FISHING...

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but
otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...
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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....

ELMO...

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter,after several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

WORK!!!

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher..
I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious..

He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

SATURDAY SMILES...

its an oldie but goodie :-)

2 women were walking down the street one a blonde and one a brunette..

"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."

The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"
The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."

"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"..

SENIOR MOMENT American style

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and,upon returning to her car

found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her hand gun,proceeding

to scream at the top of her voice,"I have a gun,and I know how to use it!

Get out of the car..!!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.They got out and ran like mad.

The lady some what shaken,then proceeded to load her bags into the back of

the car and got into the driver's seat..

She was so shaken that she could not get the key into the ignition.

She tried and tried,and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later,she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter,where four pale men were reporting

a car jacking by a mad ,elderly woman described as white,less than five feet

tall,glasses,curly white hair,and carrying a large hand gun.

"IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A SENIOR MOMENT,MAKE IT A

MEMORABLE ONE"

LOVE IT!

This girl is a keeper!!!!

It happened at a New York Airport.

This is hilarious.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.

A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.

If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F**K You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain...

TERRORIST ALERT EURO STYLE....

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and

have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though,

security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies

all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"

to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"

warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror

alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are

"Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire

that destroyed France´s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the

country´s military capability.

It´s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to

"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective

Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to

"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher

levels:" Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can

get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

TARZAN...

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh, ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" Tarzan replied,

"Check for squirrel."

THE TOY...

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the #@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

BDSM WARNING..

BDSM Warning! please read

John Doe strode into the bedroom , wearing His leather Postal Worker’s uniform. He sneered at the bound and gagged figure on the bed, as He reached into His latex mail bag. Jane Doe, a 29 year old schoolgirl, looked up at her Master, her eyes a mixture of fear and desire. She gasped as He brought a knife with a 9 ~ inch blade out of the bag.

“I saw something on the Internet which I want us to try,” He said sternly,

“Are you willing?”

Jane nodded eagerly and mumbled, “yeff Mather”.

John smiled as He bent close and cut her free of her bonds.

“Strip”, He ordered as He began to remove His own clothes..

Jane quickly complied, wondering what new delights her beloved Master had in store for her.

“Lay back on the bed”, He commanded.

Jane did so. John then laid on top of her.

“Tonight my dear”, He whispered while reaching for the light switch.. “We are going ……….. Vanilla!”

“NOOOOOOoooooooooo”, cried Jane as the room plunged into darkness.

The above tale is true. John eventually left Jane to move in with a vanilla woman. They now have a 24/7 vanilla lifestyle, regularly enjoying home improvements, Tupperware parties and only having sex 3 times a year.

Jane was more fortunate and now attends Vanillas Anonymous, with help and guidance she is slowly recovering. Only last week she was able to stand up and say,

“I have the right to more than one sexual position!”

Vanilla is dangerous and should not be practiced at home. If anyone offers you vanilla sex, just say No.

This has been a BDSM safety awareness announcement.

CUSTOMS...

A Chinese man moved to Australia after years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a small piece of land near Mt Isa. Soon after, his friendly Aussie neighbour decided to go across

and welcome the new guy. But on his way up the drive-way, the Aussie saw the Chinese man running

around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs',

he decided to visit the Chinese the next day.

The next day, just as he was about to knock on the front door, he saw through the window the

Chinese man urinated into a glass and then drank his own urine. Again not wanting to interrupt

another 'Chinese custom', he decided to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later the Aussie decided to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he saw the

Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, paused, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke couldn't take it anymore, so he went up to the Chinese and said

'Jeez Mate,

what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood

and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and

drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum.'

The Chinese was taken back 'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs. I

doing these Australian customs.'

'What do you mean mate' said the Aussie, 'those aren't Australian customs.'

'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man.

'He say to become true Australian,

you learn to chase chicks,

drink piss,

and listen to bull-shit!!..

TIMING IS EVERYTHING X

A couple were driving at 70mph down the road, husband behind the wheel.

The wife suddenly says "Honey, I know we've been married twenty
years but I want a divorce."

He says nothing but increases the speed to 80mph.

She says "Now don't try to talk me out of it, I've been screwing your best friend for sometime now and he IS better at sex than you."

He stays quiet, but speeds up to 90mph.

She says "I want the house and the car."

(He is now doing 100mph.)

"I want the bank accounts and the credit cards too." she says

The husband starts to veer towards the side of the road and a large grove of trees.

The wife gets nervous and asks "Isn't there ANYTHING you want?"

"No, I've got all I need." He said

"Oh really, so what exactly do you have?"

Just before they hit the tree at 120mph he smiles and says:

"The fucking air-bag!:

ALWAYS A WAY...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?''

’Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.

We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.’

SILLY QUICKIES...

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me 'Oi, what's your disability mate?'

I said 'Tourettes, you wanker, now fuck off!'

My new German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten when we have sex.

Last night for example I shoved it right up her arse and she yelled "nien, nien!"

My best score yet..

I was laying next to my husband in bed last night and he whispered in my ear,

"did you know that sex can cure headaches?

"I looked at him and said,

"So can paracetamol and they last four hours"

Two policeman call the station on the radio...."Hello is that you Sarge?"

"YES" "I think we have a case here,a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just Mopped clean.."

"Have you Arrested her?"

"NO sir" the floor is still wet.."..

GENESIS THE FORGOTTEN CHAPTER..

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question,

"Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know that I love you even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Garden and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And the cat didn't care one way or the other.

NEW ZEALAND GOES TO WAR....

New Zealand goes to war....

Picture Kim Song un sitting in his office contemplating the current crisis and drinking coffee... His phone rings…

"Kia Ora", would that be Kim Song un ?"

"Hello, yes, this is Kim speaking, who is this and what do you want?"

"Well now Kim this is Rangi, and I'm ringing from the Lonely Arms Pub in Auckland, New Zealand, to tell you that we are officially declaring war on you"

"Well, Rangi," Kim replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Rangi, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Toru, my next door neighbour Rua, and the entire dart team from the Pub. That makes eight altogether"

Kim paused. "I must tell you, Rangi that I have 3 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Heck!" said Rangi. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Rangi calls again.

"Bro, its me again Mr. Jong un, the war is still on! We have managed to get the hold of some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Rangi?" Kim asked.

"Well, we've got two tractors, a bulldozer, and the loan of Rua’s Honda 90"

Kim sighed. "I must tell you, Rangi, that I have 160,000 tanks and 140,000 armoured personnel carriers.

Also, I've increased my army to 5 million since we last spoke."

"Are you tricking me!" said Rangi. "I'll have to get back to you on that one"

Sure enough, Rangi rings again the next day.

"Mr. Jong un, the war is still on!

We have managed to get ourselves airborne!

We've modified Ewen Smiths micro-light with a couple of 12 bore double barrel shotguns in the cockpit, and four bro's from the golf club have joined us as well!"

Kim was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.

"I must tell you, Rangi, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface- to-air missile sites and since we last spoke, I've increased my army to 8 MILLION!"

"E mea, te riri nei au!" said Rangi, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough next day, Rangi calls again "Kia Ora this morning',

Mr. Jong un ! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Kim. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Rangi, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of Beers, and decided there's no way we can feed 8 million prisoners.

A WARNING...

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he
dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to
get a divorce".

I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"

"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to
change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at
all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well,
enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to
invest in the stock market."

"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to
change you." I probed.

"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good
enough for me."

TOTALLY UNPC JOKES...

Q: What is the definition of suspicious??
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.

The husband said to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
"Okay," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes

Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? £3.00 a minute.

Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks Funny!

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You get to meet new people every day!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.

What is the similarity between a man and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you! 

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits in there!

Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.

What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is boning her.

Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!

What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)

What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!

What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home!

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.

PORN LESSONS...

30 things you learn from porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with
sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy cummers.

11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo
in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl
isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes,the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you
shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to
remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
trousers and find a cock there.

29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand
firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on
his hip.

30. Dorky guys never have to beg.

WINE WARNINGS....

Due to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all wine bottles:

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.