NEWLY WEDS...

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing.
Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams,
"I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!"

NIGHT OUT...

Two married men are out drinking! One says, " I can never sneak into my house after I've been out!

No matter how quiet I am, my wife still wakes and nags me"!

His friend replies,

" do what I do! Slam the front door, stamp up the stairs, jump into bed and slap her arse & say

" how about a blow job and some bum fun?" Bet she's fucking sleeping then "!

MAMA'S APPLE STRUDEL...

Moishe has been lying ill for weeks. A few days ago he slipped into a
coma, and everyone feared the worst. The family is called. The son from
Miami. The daughter from Bridgewater. The aunts. The uncles. All sit waiting
for the end.

Suddenly a miracle! Moishe opens his eyes. Weakly he motions for his
son to approach so he can hear talk to him. Moishe is weak from the illness
and so his voice is very faint as he says, "I`ve been ill?" "Yes, papa,"
replies the son with tears choking his voice, "very ill."

The papa nods and speaks again. "I had a dream. I was nearing death
when I suddenly smelled the aroma of your mother`s apple strudel. I love
that strudel. As wonderful a cook as my Sadie is, that strudel is her
masterpiece." He lays back against the pillow weak from the exertion
of speaking.

"What a wonderful dream, papa. But the smell is real. Mama just took
the strudel out of the oven to cool." "A miracle!" cries Moishe as he
tries to rise, and weakly falls against the pillows. He turns to his son and
says, "I`m still too weak to get up. Go to the kitchen and get for me a
piece of Sadie`s strudel."

The son obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his father`s
request, only to return a few moments later empty handed. He sits
again by his father`s side.

Moishe looks at him and says, "Nu? Where is the strudel?"
The son replies, "I`m sorry, papa. Mama says it`s for AFTER the funeral!"

A WARNING...

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he
dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to
get a divorce".

I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"

"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to
change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at
all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well,
enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to
invest in the stock market."

"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to
change you." I probed.

"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good
enough for me."

WHAT IS LOVE?

answered by children aged 5-10.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work
anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your
bedroom."
(Judy,8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten?nursery, I'm going to find me a wife".
(Tom,5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike,10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough money to buy her a
big ring and her own laptop, 'cause she'll want to have recordings of the
wedding."
(Jim,10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it
with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)

The GREAT DEBATE: BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED???

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them"
(Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with
how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan,9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the
rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want
to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary,7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them."
(Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street
is on."
(Anita,6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have
been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding
me."
(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have
tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava,8)

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of sweet shops."
(Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo,9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

Just see if the man picks up the bill. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
(John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get
cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Dave 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They
like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire."
(Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
showers at least once a day."
(Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."
(Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you...That's why I stopped doing it."
(Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom,7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."
(Roger,8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take
out the rubbish."
(Randy,8)

SEVEN AGES OF THE MARRIAGE COLD...

1st year--The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."

2nd year--"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"

3rd year--"Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"

4th year--"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"

5th year--"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"

6th year--"You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"

7th year--"For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."