TRANSLATING "MAN CODE"

The Male Code that Women Should Memorize!

"It's a guy thing."

Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"

Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."

Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."

Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."

Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."

Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."

Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."

Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."

Really means...."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."

Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Angelina Jolie..

"That's women's work."

Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"

Really means...."Both my room-mates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"You know how bad my memory is."

Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."

Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."

Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."

Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."

Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it."

Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"

Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of those rabid feminists."

Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you."

Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."

Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse."

"You look terrific."

Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."

"I brought you a present."

Really means...."It was a free ice scraper night at the football game."

"I missed you."

Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we
are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."

Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will
ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."

Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."

Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my car/friends and sport."

"I don't need to read the instructions."

Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without
printed help."

"I'll fix the waste disposal later."

Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a
new one."

WORK!!!

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher..
I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious..

He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

LOVE IT!

This girl is a keeper!!!!

It happened at a New York Airport.

This is hilarious.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.

A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.

If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F**K You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain...

MIRACLE TOILET PAPER...

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

THE DUCK...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and
asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "O'kay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part )

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

DATING THE WIDOW..

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get
back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain ...

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties
He in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
But down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same --
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit --
But now he was wearing a black condom...

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,

"I want to offer my deepest condolences"

TIMING IS EVERYTHING X

A couple were driving at 70mph down the road, husband behind the wheel.

The wife suddenly says "Honey, I know we've been married twenty
years but I want a divorce."

He says nothing but increases the speed to 80mph.

She says "Now don't try to talk me out of it, I've been screwing your best friend for sometime now and he IS better at sex than you."

He stays quiet, but speeds up to 90mph.

She says "I want the house and the car."

(He is now doing 100mph.)

"I want the bank accounts and the credit cards too." she says

The husband starts to veer towards the side of the road and a large grove of trees.

The wife gets nervous and asks "Isn't there ANYTHING you want?"

"No, I've got all I need." He said

"Oh really, so what exactly do you have?"

Just before they hit the tree at 120mph he smiles and says:

"The fucking air-bag!:

ASK A SILLY QUESTION...

Yesterday I was at my local pet store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, a fucking elephant..?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear end and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the pet store.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

DATING DICTIONARY..

ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

GOVERNMENT...

ALWAYS GOOD TO RE-CYCLE THIS ONE :-)

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.

"Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism.

Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government.

We take care of your need, so let's call you The People.

We'll call the maid the Working Class

and your brother we can call The Future.

Do you understand son?"Son:

"I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it

."That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep.
He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.
The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.Son:

"Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.
"Father: "Good son!

Can you explain it to me in your own words?"Son:

"Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."

OLD TIMER...

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing..

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's behind?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but.... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*Don't be arrogant.

*Don't waste ammunition.

*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

*Always make sure you know who is in control...

*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid....

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

QUICKIE TIME..

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate, 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. His friend replied, 'You're so fucking lucky. Mine's still alive!'

A guy was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked him to check her balance. So he pushed her over.

First guy, "What's the difference between light and hard?" Second guy, "You can sleep with a light on."

A guy was telling me that he kept having his profile on those dating websites rejected. When I asked why he said, "One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?' Apparently, 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer."

HEAVEN IN HELL...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.

We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

THE GOVERNMENT JOB....

A guy goes to the Home Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He says “Yes, just caffeine.”

“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Bosnia for two tours ."

The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,
and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”

The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm.

You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day.

Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?”

“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

THE WHY'S OF LIFE...

WHY?????

It would suck if the world ended today because I would never have found out who let the dogs out.

The way to get to Sesame Street.

Why Dora doesn't just use Google maps.

Why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery".

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed.

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word.

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish washing liquid is made with real lemons.

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections.

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Where's that extra penny going to?

Why do you sit in the stands?

Why do you drive in a parkway but park in a driveway?

Does the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star have the same tune?

And why did you just try to sing those two previous songs?

And just what is Victoria's secret?

You see.... the world just has to keep going...

SILLY QUICKIES...

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me 'Oi, what's your disability mate?'

I said 'Tourettes, you wanker, now fuck off!'

My new German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten when we have sex.

Last night for example I shoved it right up her arse and she yelled "nien, nien!"

My best score yet..

I was laying next to my husband in bed last night and he whispered in my ear,

"did you know that sex can cure headaches?

"I looked at him and said,

"So can paracetamol and they last four hours"

Two policeman call the station on the radio...."Hello is that you Sarge?"

"YES" "I think we have a case here,a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just Mopped clean.."

"Have you Arrested her?"

"NO sir" the floor is still wet.."..

NORTHERN TRAITS :-)

GROWING UP NORTHERN

1. what's for tea mum..shit with sugar on.

2. Calling your mums mates Aunty, even though they are not related to you

3. "Turn the big light on"

4. Your gran not letting you wear a coat in the house so you will "feel" the benefit when you go outside

5. "That's it now, your either in or out"

6. Leaving the door open accidentally and getting "was you born in a barn"

7. Understanding how important gravy is in life

8. Getting the emergency chairs out when relatives are round

9. Telling people you are from Manchester when on holiday because it sounds better than where you actually live .

10. Your parents referring to Blackpool illuminations when lights are left on

11. It's spitting everybody in, everybody in it's spitting

12. It's acceptable to put ketchup and gravy on everything

13. Giving directions only using pubs

14. First one to see Blackpool tower gets a quid

15. Calling someone your cousin coz you have known them more than 5 years

16. Looking like Liam Gallagher coz you have listened to wonderwall a few times

17. Saying I swear down at the beginning of every sentence.

INSULTS FOR THE WELL MANNERED.....

1. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.

2. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.

3. May your mother come to talk to you, and then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you have to get up and close it.

4. May your article load that extra little bit as you’re about to click a link so you click an ad instead.

5. May both sides of your pillow be warm.

6. May you forever feel your mobile vibrating in the pocket it’s not even in.

7. May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.

8. May your life be as pleasant as you are.

9. May your chair produce a sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it to prove that it was just the chair.

10. May your five year old neighbor have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.

11. May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the chord isn’t plugged in the wall.

12. May your return calls always go unanswered, even though you literally just f*cking called me.. Jean (who is your friend who does this)

13. May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.

14. May your tea be too hot when you receive it, and too cold by the time you remember it’s there.

15. May your cookie always be slightly too large to fit inside your glass of milk.

16. May the pin of the bathroom stall never reach the lock to close the door.

17. May all your Facebook invites be game invites.

18. May you never be quite certain whether that pressure is a fart or poop.

19. May your spoon always slip and sink under the hot soup you eat.

20. May you never remember these curses when you try to.

GENESIS THE FORGOTTEN CHAPTER..

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question,

"Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know that I love you even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Garden and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And the cat didn't care one way or the other.