Tips For Older Love-makers...

1. Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 999/911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Two old women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think I didn't make it."

TOTALLY UNPC JOKES...

Q: What is the definition of suspicious??
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.

The husband said to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
"Okay," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes

Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? £3.00 a minute.

Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks Funny!

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You get to meet new people every day!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.

What is the similarity between a man and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you! 

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits in there!

Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.

What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is boning her.

Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!

What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)

What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!

What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home!

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.

CLASSY LASS'Y....

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"

THINGS TO COME....

A for arthritis
B for bad back
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention
H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?

Wait! I forgot all about K!

K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo- and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,

Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!

NAUGHTY WRINKLIES...

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

POLITICS...

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism.
Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government.
We take care of your need, so let's call you The People.
We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future.
Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep.
He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.
The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of crap."

WARNING TO ALL WRINKLIES...

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their Kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, this kind of Cruel theft is happening with other body parts as well!

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I Went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just That quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living Out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again!

My Butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took Pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with Earlier, but my new butt was attached at least three inches lower Than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor Of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I Was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper Arms swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was Really getting scarey- my body was being replaced one section at a time.

What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a Turkey neck, I decided to tell my story.

Women of the world, wake Up and smell the coffee! Those "plastic" surgeons are using REAL Replacement body parts -stolen from you and me!
The next time Someone you know has something "lifted,” look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere, every Night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying In bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was Relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I Slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband....

THOUGHT WE WOULD HAVE A SMILE TODAY :-) XXXXXX

LIFE IN ALL ITS GLORY.

This Kind of Stuff Has Got To Stop In Our Country

We Must Stop This Immediately! This Kind of Stuff Has Got To Stop In Our Country

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper?

Groceries are heavier.

And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become!

This extension work was apparently done at night!! Very sneaky stuff.

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters.

They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.

On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.

I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. This cannot be me

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........ Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them.

All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large'? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking to my house and messing around with my computer. Probably MI5....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?

YEP TIS AN AGE THING XXX

Author unknown if anyone comes across the original please let me know so l can credit them unless they have forgotten they have wrote it!!

JUST FOR FUN FOR US OLDIES BUT GOODIES.......

SO HOW MANY OF THESE WILL YOU ADMIT TOO :-)

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Your back goes out, but you stay home.

When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

When happy hour is a nap.

When you're on vacation, and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time
.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

OLD SEX TIPS

Tips For Older Love-makers...

1. Put your glasses on. Double check that you're with the right partner.

2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Finally a little funny to end it all :-)))

Two old women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think I didn't make it."