NEWLY WEDS...

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing.
Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams,
"I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!"

SATURDAY SMILES...

its an oldie but goodie :-)

2 women were walking down the street one a blonde and one a brunette..

"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."

The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"
The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."

"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"..

THE TOY...

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the #@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

DATING THE WIDOW..

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get
back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain ...

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties
He in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
But down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same --
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit --
But now he was wearing a black condom...

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,

"I want to offer my deepest condolences"

WISHES....

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water
hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another
animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will
grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish
for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put
it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish
like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the
bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned
the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid
things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the
motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish
that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear
was gay..."

SISTER'S OF MERCY....

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign
that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on.
Soon, he sees another sign which says...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure
enough, there is a third...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the
driveway.
On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building
with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by
a nun in a long black habit, who asks.. "What may we do for you my
son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this
door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another
nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs:
"Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at
the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He
trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it
shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,

facing another small sign:

"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

TOTALLY UNPC JOKES...

Q: What is the definition of suspicious??
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.

The husband said to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
"Okay," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes

Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? £3.00 a minute.

Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks Funny!

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You get to meet new people every day!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.

What is the similarity between a man and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you! 

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits in there!

Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.

What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is boning her.

Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!

What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)

What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!

What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home!

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.

DOG V CAT

What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4) They growl when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to play.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They are great at begging.

8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

9) They leave their toys everywhere.

10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats.....

I AM THE BEAR....

YEP I'M GONNA BE A BEAR...

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear,everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear.

WOMEN'S DICTIONARY :-)

Argument (ahr•gyoo•munt) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, and continues until he realizes it.

Airhead (ayr•hed) n. An act you put on when pulled over for speeding.

Bar-be-que (bar•buh•Q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up—for the dinner he made for his friends."

Blonde jokes (blahnd joks) n. Jokes short enough for men to understand.

Cantaloupe (kant•e•lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (chIld•brth) n. You go through 36 hours of contractions. He holds your hand and says, "focus...breathe...push...."

Clothes dryer (kloze drI•yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet soda (dI•it so•duh) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Diamond (dI-mun) n. Something you think should be on your finger but he can only see in a baseball park. (American only)

Eternity (e•ter•ni•tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex•er•siz) v. Walking up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow•sree list) n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair dresser (hare dres•er) n. A magician who creates a hair style you can never duplicate.

Hardware store (hard•wer stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space: once he goes in, he isn't coming out any time soon.

Housework (haws•wrk) n. Work around the house including moping and washing dishes.

Lipstick (lip•stik) n. On your lips, a color to enhance your beauty of your mouth. On his collar, a color only a tramp would wear.

Park (pahrk) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning "a place with a swing set and slide".

Patience (pay•shuns) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof mascara (wah•tr•pruf mas•ka•ruh) n. Mascara that comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but not when you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (va•lun•tInz dae) n. A day when you dream of a candle light dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

SHE :-))

She does not:GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONAL-LY HOMICIDAL

She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

She is not: EASY
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED

She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR

She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED

She will never: GAIN WEIGHT
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

She does not have: A HARD BODY
She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

Her breast will never: SAG
They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH
She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

She does not: CUT YOU OFF
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not have: BIG HAIR
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not: SNORE
She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE

She does not: GET DRUNK
She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

She does not have: BIG HOOTERS
Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER

She is not: TOO SKINNY
She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT