Q: What is the definition of suspicious??
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.
The husband said to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
"Okay," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."
"Okay," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
A: It's not hard.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes
Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? £3.00 a minute.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? £3.00 a minute.
Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks Funny!
A. Fucks Funny!
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
Marry it!
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You get to meet new people every day!
You get to meet new people every day!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
A battery has a positive side.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.
They've got boyfriends already.
What is the similarity between a man and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you!
They both irritate the shit out of you!
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits in there!
Because you could put another pair of tits in there!
Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.
Strapadictomy.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.
They don't have balls to scratch.
What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is boning her.
Something a woman does while a guy is boning her.
Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!
What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)
What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!
Paper tits!
What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home!
A conga line in an old folks home!
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.
Five minutes of peace and quiet.
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