PORN FILM TRUTHS!!

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy when rooting.

11. People in the 70's couldn't shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".

26. Arseholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

SEX DRIVE..

I have run across the term cyber sex a few times lately so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine.

I looked everywhere. in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/ un-install software and the install hardware part of the control panel. Then I got out all the manuals and also went through them.

I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one so I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one.

The salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking man. I gave him the make and model of my computer and asked him if he had any sex drives in stock. He kind of scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with him. I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone. He said, rather rudely I thought, that he couldn't help me and walked away. He must not have had any in stock.

In the second store I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked it they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him Yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed. He started laughing at me and said something about me trying to kill him. Lady you're killing me! or something like that, and walked away. I assumed that they must be out here too. Must be a hard item to keep in stock.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck in my life but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something like that explains it all.

The guy in the fourth store said something like 'idiot' under his breath and just walked away. Anyway I figured they must not carry them in most stores. I might have to order one from a catalogue or get on the Internet and search for one.

So that's where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate a sex drive I would appreciate it. Then all I have to do is figure out how to install it....

FUNNIES

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried?

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting..

I was in the supermarket yesterday with my two trollies full of booze when a little old lady stood behind me in the queue.

She only had a pint of milk, so I said "Is that all you've got love?".

She replied "Yes",

so I did the decent thing and said.......

"If I was you I'd fuck off to another till, I'm gonna be ages"

I've just seen an umbrella fly past my fucking window. Oh well, R.I.P Mary Poppins.

Answering Machine Message :-

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call".

I have been making some Changes in my Life. Please leave a Message after the Beep".

If I Do Not Return Your Call, Unfortunately, You Were One of the Changes."..

HEY TIGER??

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods.

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah,"

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food,"
"Tiger wouldn't do that,"

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food,"

"Tiger wouldn't do that,"

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole...."

SISTER'S OF MERCY....

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign
that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on.
Soon, he sees another sign which says...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure
enough, there is a third...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the
driveway.
On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building
with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by
a nun in a long black habit, who asks.. "What may we do for you my
son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this
door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another
nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs:
"Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at
the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He
trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it
shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,

facing another small sign:

"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

Tips For Older Love-makers...

1. Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 999/911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Two old women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think I didn't make it."

PORN LESSONS...

30 things you learn from porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with
sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy cummers.

11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo
in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl
isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes,the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you
shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to
remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
trousers and find a cock there.

29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand
firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on
his hip.

30. Dorky guys never have to beg.

CHEATING OR NOT!

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count.

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share.

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this", doesn't count.

7. An old flame, doesn't count.

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count ,refer to this as a "pity fuck".

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex...not cheating.

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation.

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex.

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating.

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other.

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count.

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet "...not cheating.

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it was public right?).

17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation".

18. In car, doesn't count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1.

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count.

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count.

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not considered to be intimate)...not cheating.

22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count.

23. An act committed with your next door neighbour, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "being neighbourly".

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't count.

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count, this should be considered " getting acquainted".

26. An act with a US President , doesn't count, unless the Senate votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

NOTE: SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results from any of these rules!

YODELING THE ORIGIN...

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to stay. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out .....
"LAIDTHEOLDLADEEEETOO"

WHALE REVENGE...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.".

WARNING TO ALL WRINKLIES...

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their Kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, this kind of Cruel theft is happening with other body parts as well!

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I Went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just That quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living Out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again!

My Butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took Pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with Earlier, but my new butt was attached at least three inches lower Than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor Of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I Was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper Arms swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was Really getting scarey- my body was being replaced one section at a time.

What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a Turkey neck, I decided to tell my story.

Women of the world, wake Up and smell the coffee! Those "plastic" surgeons are using REAL Replacement body parts -stolen from you and me!
The next time Someone you know has something "lifted,” look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere, every Night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying In bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was Relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I Slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband....

THOUGHT WE WOULD HAVE A SMILE TODAY :-) XXXXXX

AGE OLD QUESTION

I mowed the lawn yesterday and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
of nice cold beers.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the whatsits ?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the whatsits.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the whatsits is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the whatsits "
I rest my case.

T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS BDSM STYLE

JUST TO GET YOU IN THE MOOD FOR CHRISTMAS ...

Posted to alt.torture by rainbird@praxis.net (poenkitten) on 11-12-1997

Have tried as always to get in touch with the original poster tried the email got returned

IF THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR IS ON THIS SITE PLEASE DO POINT ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION...

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
The Masters were spanking their Frauleins and Fraus,
Mistress and Switch in Black Leather and Chains
Were chastising their subbies with paddles and canes

When down in the Dungeon there came such a clatter
I jumped from my chair to see what was the matter
Jumped up, tripped over, and fell on my face
Forgot that my Domme had just lashed me in place!

Away to the window I made a mad dash
Threw open the window, felt the cool on my ass
And then thru the smoke and the snow and the swirls
Came a rusty old sleigh drawn by twelve pony girls

With bells on their nipples and stripes on their asses
They pulled and they strained, those twelve little lasses
The drunken old driver stood holding his dick
I knew by the "red nose" that this was old Nick

Slower than snails his chargers they came
And he whipped and he flailed as he called them by name
"Come karen and Janet and Anna and Tammy
Pull the sleigh on or I'll paddle your fanny

And Connie and Jo and Bradley and Jilly
With your blazing red asses you look somewhat silly
Susan and Tom and Brian and Kay
You bend yourselves over..its floggings today"

Up on the roof, he went, stumbled and fell
And down the chimney he came screaming like hell
He staggered and stumbled and fell out the door
Tripped over a flogger we'd left on the floor

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
Merry Christmas you kinksters...and to all a GOOD NIGHT

OLD SEX TIPS

Tips For Older Love-makers...

1. Put your glasses on. Double check that you're with the right partner.

2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Finally a little funny to end it all :-)))

Two old women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think I didn't make it."

GIRL TALK...

Sounds pretty accurate...

Two women are chatting in office

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light f@8%king candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

“Fifty Shades of Grey”

The missus bought a Paperback
down Dymocks, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

COLONOSCOPY

It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.

His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining r oom.
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me, I sat down.
While waiting, I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer

When Dr. Putz finally came in I said"Look Doc", I'm a little confuse this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, & I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse,

"Damn it, Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT!"