ELMO...

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter,after several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

FUNNIES

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried?

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting..

I was in the supermarket yesterday with my two trollies full of booze when a little old lady stood behind me in the queue.

She only had a pint of milk, so I said "Is that all you've got love?".

She replied "Yes",

so I did the decent thing and said.......

"If I was you I'd fuck off to another till, I'm gonna be ages"

I've just seen an umbrella fly past my fucking window. Oh well, R.I.P Mary Poppins.

Answering Machine Message :-

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call".

I have been making some Changes in my Life. Please leave a Message after the Beep".

If I Do Not Return Your Call, Unfortunately, You Were One of the Changes."..

BRO CODE :-)

The Bro Code is an essential friendship etiquette (Guy Code Law) to be followed among men or, more specifically, among members of the bro subculture. Bro code is a guideline to live by between Bro’s.

You must always have your bro’s back. No exceptions.

If a bro dies while lifting, put more weight on the bar, and then call 999.

Shotgun is a responsibility, not a privilege. If you are sitting up front, you’re not a passenger, you’re the co-pilot.

Don’t throw a friend under the bus to impress someone. Ever.

When offered a beer, accept it even if it’s not your brand." Your favorite brand of beer is "free." Your second favorite is "cold."

If friend with truck assists you with moving, you shall reciprocate with a full tank of gas. Beer and pizza also accepted.

If your bro dies, delete his Internet history.

Be polite around your buddy’s lady friend, but when he asks what you think, lay the truth on him like a ten ton slab.

Unless it is super busy, there must always be a one urinal buffer between men in a restroom.

If you shake with a limp hand, you are acknowledging non-verbally to me that I’m in charge, even if we’ve just met.

When your bro’s girlfriend enquires about his whereabouts you know nothing, always.

If you and buddy are having a threesome with a girl, you can’t look each other in the eyes. But if you happen to accidentally look each other in the eyes, you have to high five!

The three-person concept of watching adult videos: One guy watching adult videos is cool. Three guys watching adult videos is cool. Two guys watching adult videos, not cool.

All groceries go from the vehicle to the house in one trip. It does not matter how many bags there are.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

There are specific rules to the "head nod" when greeting another male. If you know them nod up, if you don’t you nod down.

MEN YOU NEED TO READ THIS....

1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because
WE actually CHANGE our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in
combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the
toilet bowl.

3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're
watching because of the butts.

4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on
your payday.

5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say
after the movie.

6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than
once a day.

7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number
of baths that you take.

10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't
ask in bed.

11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the
number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.

12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track
of "who's easy?"

13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T
CARE!

14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life:
You'll never see the island coming.

15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond
that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.

TOTALLY UNPC JOKES...

Q: What is the definition of suspicious??
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.

The husband said to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
"Okay," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes

Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? £3.00 a minute.

Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks Funny!

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You get to meet new people every day!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.

What is the similarity between a man and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you! 

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits in there!

Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.

What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is boning her.

Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!

What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)

What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!

What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home!

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.

THE INSPECTION...

A general is inspecting sick bay, during world war two. He visits three patients:
What is your name, soldier?
Jones, Sir.
Why are you in here?
Bleeding piles, sir.
What treatment are you receiving?
Wire brush and Dettol, sir.
Ambition?
To get out of here and back to the front, Sir!

The general moves on to the next bed.
What is your name,soldier.
Smith, Sir.
Why are you in here?
Gonorrhea, sir.
What treatment are you receiving?
Wire brush and Dettol, sir.
Ambition?
To get out of here and back to the front, Sir!

The general moves on to the final bed.
What is your name, soldier?
Williams, Sir.
Why are you in here?
Infected gums, Sir.
What treatment are you receiving?
Wire brush and Dettol, Sir.
Ambition?
To get the wire brush before Smith and Jones, Sir!

DOG V CAT

What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4) They growl when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to play.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They are great at begging.

8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

9) They leave their toys everywhere.

10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats.....