PORN FILM TRUTHS!!

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy when rooting.

11. People in the 70's couldn't shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".

26. Arseholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

INSULTS FOR THE WELL MANNERED.....

1. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.

2. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.

3. May your mother come to talk to you, and then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you have to get up and close it.

4. May your article load that extra little bit as you’re about to click a link so you click an ad instead.

5. May both sides of your pillow be warm.

6. May you forever feel your mobile vibrating in the pocket it’s not even in.

7. May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.

8. May your life be as pleasant as you are.

9. May your chair produce a sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it to prove that it was just the chair.

10. May your five year old neighbor have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.

11. May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the chord isn’t plugged in the wall.

12. May your return calls always go unanswered, even though you literally just f*cking called me.. Jean (who is your friend who does this)

13. May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.

14. May your tea be too hot when you receive it, and too cold by the time you remember it’s there.

15. May your cookie always be slightly too large to fit inside your glass of milk.

16. May the pin of the bathroom stall never reach the lock to close the door.

17. May all your Facebook invites be game invites.

18. May you never be quite certain whether that pressure is a fart or poop.

19. May your spoon always slip and sink under the hot soup you eat.

20. May you never remember these curses when you try to.

DOCTOR'S ADVICE...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,
the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is
in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably
had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his
stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10
months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Tips For Older Love-makers...

1. Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 999/911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Two old women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think I didn't make it."

EMPLOYER'S LINGO

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

EMPLOYEE'S LINGO

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANISATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I AM THE BEAR....

YEP I'M GONNA BE A BEAR...

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear,everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear.

THE BLONDE JOKE...

An old, Partially blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The old cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

WINE WARNINGS....

Due to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all wine bottles:

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

CAT RE-LOCATION...

Ten Tips For Cats Who Are Forced To Relocate With Their Owners

Cats are free spirits. Even when compressed into a small cat carrier, they are in charge. We can learn from them.

1. If you sense your owner plans to move, be on your best behaviour.
   
   Revive those terminally cute poses you used to get yourself adopted. Let your owner sleep past 5 AM. Keep your paws out of your owner's hair.
   
   Use the litterbox religiously. If you must throw up, head for the bathroom and skip the windowsills.
   
   You do not want your owner to entertain thoughts like, "I don't want to ruin the beautiful floors in our new home," or, "You know, it's really hard to rent an apartment when you have a cat."
   
2. Here's a great game. Jump into an empty box, stick your head out and hold the pose while your owner runs around looking for a camera. As soon as she appears, finger on snap button, turn around and point your tail at the camera.
   
   You'll learn some new cuss words, guaranteed.
   
3. The arrival of the moving van is your cue to hide. You can have lots of fun with this one.
   
   Your owner will run around frantically, cursing the movers: "You idiots! You left the door open! Now little Furball is gone forever!"
   
   After they've wasted an hour running around the neighborhood, appear out of nowhere and begin to wash. When they shriek, "Oh there she is!" and try to hug you, summon an aloof glare and wash your face again.
   
   Bonus tip: If you really want to freak them out, hide in your cat carrier.
   
4. As you begin your twelve-hour drive, remember that your owners would rather listen to your yowling than to the latest tapes or the local weather and news. Keep it up!
   
5. Demand a sandbox break as soon as your owner begins driving on a road where it is absolutely impossible to pull over. A narrow bridge with bumper-to-bumper traffic is a good choice.
   
6. Motel etiquette calls for you to sit in the window, looking absolutely adorable. Encourage passers-by to tap on the glass at all hours, especially if your owner has forgotten to draw the curtains.
   
   If you suspect your owners have snuck you into the room without checking, begin yowling as soon as they try to move you to a more secluded spot.
   
7. When it's time to hit the road at 6 AM, you don't want to be found. If you can position yourself under the queensize bed, out of reach of your owner's arms, you can delay everyone's travel plans for a good half hour. The award for the most creative hiding place goes to the feline who wedged herself between mattress cover and springs.
   
   Caution: This only works if your owner really adores you. If you can't be found in twenty minutes, you might be looking for a new home.
   
8. Insist on being present when boxes are unpacked. Jump into each box to make sure the contents arrived safely. If your owners lock you into the bathroom "so kitty can't escape," use the opportunity to practice your singing. The movers need entertainment, too.
   
9. Demand to test each windowsill of the new home. If you still have claws, test the curtains to see if they'll hold your weight. Fifteen pounds? Should be no problem.
   
   Regardless, those miniblinds offer limitless opportunities for new versions of torture-the-owner. How many can you bend? How about breaking off a little hole for your head to peek through? Cute.
   
10. Encourage your owner to get a dog. You may never have to move again. "Honey, we can't move. We could never afford another place where Spot could have a yard."

THINGS TO COME....

A for arthritis
B for bad back
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention
H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?

Wait! I forgot all about K!

K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo- and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,

Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!

our wonderful Britain

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END