NEWLY WEDS...

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing.
Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams,
"I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!"

SATURDAY SMILES...

its an oldie but goodie :-)

2 women were walking down the street one a blonde and one a brunette..

"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."

The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"
The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."

"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"..

MISOGYNISTIC JOKES......

I asked the wife for some oral pleasure today.
She said, " You want me to suck you off?"
I replied, "No, I want you to shut the fuck up."

A friend of mine just had some strobe lights fitted in his bedroom.
He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she's moving now

A wise man once said :-)
You should treat a woman like a vacuum cleaner... Once she stops sucking...
Change the fucking bag!!!!

TARZAN...

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh, ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" Tarzan replied,

"Check for squirrel."

SEX DRIVE..

I have run across the term cyber sex a few times lately so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine.

I looked everywhere. in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/ un-install software and the install hardware part of the control panel. Then I got out all the manuals and also went through them.

I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one so I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one.

The salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking man. I gave him the make and model of my computer and asked him if he had any sex drives in stock. He kind of scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with him. I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone. He said, rather rudely I thought, that he couldn't help me and walked away. He must not have had any in stock.

In the second store I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked it they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him Yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed. He started laughing at me and said something about me trying to kill him. Lady you're killing me! or something like that, and walked away. I assumed that they must be out here too. Must be a hard item to keep in stock.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck in my life but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something like that explains it all.

The guy in the fourth store said something like 'idiot' under his breath and just walked away. Anyway I figured they must not carry them in most stores. I might have to order one from a catalogue or get on the Internet and search for one.

So that's where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate a sex drive I would appreciate it. Then all I have to do is figure out how to install it....