BODY WASHING WARNING ADVICE

DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!

It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!! Shampoo Warning!

I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label this warning; “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Fairy Dishwashing Soap. It’s label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

Problem solved! If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!

ALWAYS A WAY...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?''

’Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.

We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.’

NAUGHTY WRINKLIES..

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

NORTHERN TRAITS :-)

GROWING UP NORTHERN

1. what's for tea mum..shit with sugar on.

2. Calling your mums mates Aunty, even though they are not related to you

3. "Turn the big light on"

4. Your gran not letting you wear a coat in the house so you will "feel" the benefit when you go outside

5. "That's it now, your either in or out"

6. Leaving the door open accidentally and getting "was you born in a barn"

7. Understanding how important gravy is in life

8. Getting the emergency chairs out when relatives are round

9. Telling people you are from Manchester when on holiday because it sounds better than where you actually live .

10. Your parents referring to Blackpool illuminations when lights are left on

11. It's spitting everybody in, everybody in it's spitting

12. It's acceptable to put ketchup and gravy on everything

13. Giving directions only using pubs

14. First one to see Blackpool tower gets a quid

15. Calling someone your cousin coz you have known them more than 5 years

16. Looking like Liam Gallagher coz you have listened to wonderwall a few times

17. Saying I swear down at the beginning of every sentence.

RELIGIOUS SUNDAY...

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak.
Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he
could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some
vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go
smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was
able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the
rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

Dear Father,

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T''.
5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub. Yeah God!''
6. We do not refer our Savior, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as
"J.C. and the Boys''.
7. David slew Goliath, he did not "Kick the shit out of him''.
8. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.
9. We don't refer to Judas as "El Finko''.
10. The Pope is consecrated not castrated, and we don't refer to him as
"The Godfather''.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it, for it is my body,'' he did not say, "Eat me.''
12. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't
"stoned off his ass''.
13. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as
"Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.''
14. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry''.
15. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-Pulling
contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

THINGS TO COME....

A for arthritis
B for bad back
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention
H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?

Wait! I forgot all about K!

K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo- and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,

Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!

INSULTS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

"I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?"

"I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!"

"I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you."

"I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

"I'd slap you senseless...but I can't spare three seconds!"

"I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo."

"If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!"

"If I wanted some "come-back," I would wipe it off your lip."

"If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart."

"If idiots could fly, this would be an airport."

"If sex were fast food, you'd have an arch over your head."

"If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable."

"If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie pool."

"I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying."

"If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.

"I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!"

"Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested."

"Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!"

"Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself."

"Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper! "

"Last time I saw you, you had lost some weight, looks like you found it."

"You are so stupid, you couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions
were written on the bottom of the heel."

"If my dog had a face like yours I'd shave his ass and walk him backwards."

"The best part of you ran down your old man's leg."

"Nice face...want a gun?"

"You're so dull, if you were a Spice Girl, you'd be Amish Spice!"

(Say to loser guy that won't leave you alone) "I'm sorry, I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

"I would have been your dad, but the guy in front of my had correct change."

"I would have been your dad, but the dog beat me up the stairs."

"All of your ancestors must number in the thousands; it's hard to believe that
many people are to blame for producing you."

"Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?"

"Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up."

"Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner."

"Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?"

"Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?"

"Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?"

"Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words."

"Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!"

"Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?"

"I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?"

"Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already
without your working so hard to give us another?"

"Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down."

"Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner."

"Excellent time to become a missing person."

"He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory."

"He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome."

"He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost."

"He's the reason brothers and sisters shouldn't marry."

"Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?"

"I can't seem to remember you name, and please don't help me!"

"I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat."

"I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!"

"I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of
others?"

"I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside."

"I hear what you're saying but I just don't care."

"I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the gorilla."

NAUGHTY WRINKLIES...

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

TERRORIST ALERT :-)

TERRORIST ALERT.....

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "peeved." Soon, though,security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France´s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country´s military capability.

It´s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:" Invade a "Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

THE ENGINEER

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.

We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

LIFE IN ALL ITS GLORY.

This Kind of Stuff Has Got To Stop In Our Country

We Must Stop This Immediately! This Kind of Stuff Has Got To Stop In Our Country

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper?

Groceries are heavier.

And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become!

This extension work was apparently done at night!! Very sneaky stuff.

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters.

They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.

On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.

I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. This cannot be me

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........ Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them.

All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large'? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking to my house and messing around with my computer. Probably MI5....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?

YEP TIS AN AGE THING XXX

Author unknown if anyone comes across the original please let me know so l can credit them unless they have forgotten they have wrote it!!

JUST FOR FUN FOR US OLDIES BUT GOODIES.......

SO HOW MANY OF THESE WILL YOU ADMIT TOO :-)

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Your back goes out, but you stay home.

When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

When happy hour is a nap.

When you're on vacation, and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time
.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

OLD SEX TIPS

Tips For Older Love-makers...

1. Put your glasses on. Double check that you're with the right partner.

2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Finally a little funny to end it all :-)))

Two old women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think I didn't make it."