GENESIS THE FORGOTTEN CHAPTER..

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question,

"Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know that I love you even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Garden and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And the cat didn't care one way or the other.

PURR-LITICAL CORRECTNESS...

Purr-litical Correctness

In the state of political correctness, nobody is a "liar" they are simply "verbally superfluous".
No one is a "housekeeper," they are "domestic engineers." See how we can apply this "game" to the many activities of our cats:

My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.

My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.

My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.

My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.

My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.

My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.

My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.

My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.

My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.

My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.

My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.

My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.

My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.

My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.

My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).

MOUSE TALE...

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late
at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. 

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the
bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap,
I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down,
I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an
appetite, and then make off with the cheese." 

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both,
slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies,
"Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take
it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each
morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." 

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I
don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

DOG V CAT

What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4) They growl when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to play.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They are great at begging.

8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

9) They leave their toys everywhere.

10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats.....

CAT RE-LOCATION...

Ten Tips For Cats Who Are Forced To Relocate With Their Owners

Cats are free spirits. Even when compressed into a small cat carrier, they are in charge. We can learn from them.

1. If you sense your owner plans to move, be on your best behaviour.
   
   Revive those terminally cute poses you used to get yourself adopted. Let your owner sleep past 5 AM. Keep your paws out of your owner's hair.
   
   Use the litterbox religiously. If you must throw up, head for the bathroom and skip the windowsills.
   
   You do not want your owner to entertain thoughts like, "I don't want to ruin the beautiful floors in our new home," or, "You know, it's really hard to rent an apartment when you have a cat."
   
2. Here's a great game. Jump into an empty box, stick your head out and hold the pose while your owner runs around looking for a camera. As soon as she appears, finger on snap button, turn around and point your tail at the camera.
   
   You'll learn some new cuss words, guaranteed.
   
3. The arrival of the moving van is your cue to hide. You can have lots of fun with this one.
   
   Your owner will run around frantically, cursing the movers: "You idiots! You left the door open! Now little Furball is gone forever!"
   
   After they've wasted an hour running around the neighborhood, appear out of nowhere and begin to wash. When they shriek, "Oh there she is!" and try to hug you, summon an aloof glare and wash your face again.
   
   Bonus tip: If you really want to freak them out, hide in your cat carrier.
   
4. As you begin your twelve-hour drive, remember that your owners would rather listen to your yowling than to the latest tapes or the local weather and news. Keep it up!
   
5. Demand a sandbox break as soon as your owner begins driving on a road where it is absolutely impossible to pull over. A narrow bridge with bumper-to-bumper traffic is a good choice.
   
6. Motel etiquette calls for you to sit in the window, looking absolutely adorable. Encourage passers-by to tap on the glass at all hours, especially if your owner has forgotten to draw the curtains.
   
   If you suspect your owners have snuck you into the room without checking, begin yowling as soon as they try to move you to a more secluded spot.
   
7. When it's time to hit the road at 6 AM, you don't want to be found. If you can position yourself under the queensize bed, out of reach of your owner's arms, you can delay everyone's travel plans for a good half hour. The award for the most creative hiding place goes to the feline who wedged herself between mattress cover and springs.
   
   Caution: This only works if your owner really adores you. If you can't be found in twenty minutes, you might be looking for a new home.
   
8. Insist on being present when boxes are unpacked. Jump into each box to make sure the contents arrived safely. If your owners lock you into the bathroom "so kitty can't escape," use the opportunity to practice your singing. The movers need entertainment, too.
   
9. Demand to test each windowsill of the new home. If you still have claws, test the curtains to see if they'll hold your weight. Fifteen pounds? Should be no problem.
   
   Regardless, those miniblinds offer limitless opportunities for new versions of torture-the-owner. How many can you bend? How about breaking off a little hole for your head to peek through? Cute.
   
10. Encourage your owner to get a dog. You may never have to move again. "Honey, we can't move. We could never afford another place where Spot could have a yard."

Purr-litical Correctness

In the state of political correctness, nobody is a "liar" they are simply "verbally superfluous". 

No one is a "housekeeper," they are "domestic engineers." See how we can apply this "game" to the many activities of our cats:

• My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
  
• My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
  
• My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
  
• My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
  
• My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
  
• My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
  
• My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
  
• My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.
  
• My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
  
• My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
  
• My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
  
• My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
  
• My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
  
• My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
  
• My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
  
• My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
  
• My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
  
• My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
  
• My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).

DE-SEXED PUSSY CAT

I am a de-sexed pussy cat, they took me to the vet,
Because I got all horny, but I never got one yet.
The female cats around me just hissed and scratched my face,
And my owners got annoyed with me when I hissed around the place.

So in humiliation for they couldn't face the truth,
I went and showed my discontent by crying on the roof.
Well this got the neighbours going, and in came all the calls,
When I heard the big one saying, "That cat is going to loose his balls."

We were waiting in the waiting room, I was naive I must mention,
Though I did detect some guilty looks and the air was full of tension.
And It must have been my cat instincts that made me loose my cool,
For I felt a great urgency to protect the family jewels.

So I escaped and I took off up the road,
Over a fence, across a yard, and tucked up inside was my load.
The little one caught me, -I cried and pleaded why?
As she handed me over to a man in a coat who stuck a needle into my thigh.

When I came to, - in a dopey sleepy blur,
I felt cold, depressed sore, -I couldn't even purr.
And when I think of all the injustices, cats aint got no rights,
Not like you two legged humans, that stay up and play up all night.

I was just a big fluffy kitten, a randy teenage tom,
But now I'm just a neutered thing, because both of my cods are gone.
So I hang out here on the hearth rug, slowly going crackers
All because some capitalistic, self-righteous vet, went and nicked my knackers.

Copyright; Jacqueline H. Bridle