GO GIRL...

This joke always reminds me of a very dear friend who l lost to AIDS 17 yrs ago xx

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

BDSM WARNING..

BDSM Warning! please read

John Doe strode into the bedroom , wearing His leather Postal Worker’s uniform. He sneered at the bound and gagged figure on the bed, as He reached into His latex mail bag. Jane Doe, a 29 year old schoolgirl, looked up at her Master, her eyes a mixture of fear and desire. She gasped as He brought a knife with a 9 ~ inch blade out of the bag.

“I saw something on the Internet which I want us to try,” He said sternly,

“Are you willing?”

Jane nodded eagerly and mumbled, “yeff Mather”.

John smiled as He bent close and cut her free of her bonds.

“Strip”, He ordered as He began to remove His own clothes..

Jane quickly complied, wondering what new delights her beloved Master had in store for her.

“Lay back on the bed”, He commanded.

Jane did so. John then laid on top of her.

“Tonight my dear”, He whispered while reaching for the light switch.. “We are going ……….. Vanilla!”

“NOOOOOOoooooooooo”, cried Jane as the room plunged into darkness.

The above tale is true. John eventually left Jane to move in with a vanilla woman. They now have a 24/7 vanilla lifestyle, regularly enjoying home improvements, Tupperware parties and only having sex 3 times a year.

Jane was more fortunate and now attends Vanillas Anonymous, with help and guidance she is slowly recovering. Only last week she was able to stand up and say,

“I have the right to more than one sexual position!”

Vanilla is dangerous and should not be practiced at home. If anyone offers you vanilla sex, just say No.

This has been a BDSM safety awareness announcement.

ASK A SILLY QUESTION...

Yesterday I was at my local pet store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, a fucking elephant..?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear end and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the pet store.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

THE GOVERNMENT JOB....

A guy goes to the Home Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He says “Yes, just caffeine.”

“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Bosnia for two tours ."

The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,
and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”

The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm.

You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day.

Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?”

“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

MATURITY ON THE INCREASE...

Conspiracy afoot against those of us of a mature nature :-)))

We Must Stop This Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier.

And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.

On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW ......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on-but the telephone! company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack!

SNAPPY ONE LINERS...

21 lines to make you smile from the archives :-)))

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

7.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

8.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

9.. Nightnurse, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

10.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

11.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

12. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

13.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

15. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

16.. Procrastinate Now!

17.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

18.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

19.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

20.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

21.. The original point and click tool was a Smith and Wesson.

An Australian Love Poem

(An Aussie Valentine).
I am moving to Aussie if men love women like this describes me to a t lol

love the humour xxx

Of course I love ya darlin
You’re a bloody top-notch bird

And when I say you’re gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don’t mind a bit of flab

It means that when I’m ready
There’s somethin there to grab

So your belly isn’t flat no more
I tell ya, I don’t care

So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts

Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I’m tellin’ ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy
That you’ve got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna’s grave now
The moment that we met

I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I’ll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the footballs’ on
And fetch another beer.

TRUISMS TO MAKE YOU SMILE...

I don't have a dirty mind...
Its a sexy imagination...

What doesn't kill you fucks you up mentally :-)))

Wish I lived in a world where mosquito's sucked fat instead of blood..

If you say your cooler then me, does that mean I am hotter then you?

Everyone is getting into relationships! Me I can't even find my other slipper...

When angry count to 10, then throw a punch at 8 no one expects that :-)

Inner beauty is great, but a little mascara doesn't hurt.

Yeah I have made mistakes but life nor me come with a instruction manual...

An apple a day keeps everyone away if you throw it hard enough :-))

My number 1 favourite

I didn't fart, my arse loves you so much it blew you a kiss :-)))))

MOUSE TALE...

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late
at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. 

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the
bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap,
I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down,
I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an
appetite, and then make off with the cheese." 

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both,
slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies,
"Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take
it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each
morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." 

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I
don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

WISHES....

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water
hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another
animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will
grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish
for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put
it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish
like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the
bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned
the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid
things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the
motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish
that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear
was gay..."

DONKEY RACING...

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £50.00.
Next day the headline read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR £50.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.
Next day, the headline in the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

SISTER'S OF MERCY....

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign
that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on.
Soon, he sees another sign which says...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure
enough, there is a third...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the
driveway.
On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building
with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by
a nun in a long black habit, who asks.. "What may we do for you my
son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this
door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another
nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs:
"Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at
the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He
trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it
shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,

facing another small sign:

"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

MAMA'S APPLE STRUDEL...

Moishe has been lying ill for weeks. A few days ago he slipped into a
coma, and everyone feared the worst. The family is called. The son from
Miami. The daughter from Bridgewater. The aunts. The uncles. All sit waiting
for the end.

Suddenly a miracle! Moishe opens his eyes. Weakly he motions for his
son to approach so he can hear talk to him. Moishe is weak from the illness
and so his voice is very faint as he says, "I`ve been ill?" "Yes, papa,"
replies the son with tears choking his voice, "very ill."

The papa nods and speaks again. "I had a dream. I was nearing death
when I suddenly smelled the aroma of your mother`s apple strudel. I love
that strudel. As wonderful a cook as my Sadie is, that strudel is her
masterpiece." He lays back against the pillow weak from the exertion
of speaking.

"What a wonderful dream, papa. But the smell is real. Mama just took
the strudel out of the oven to cool." "A miracle!" cries Moishe as he
tries to rise, and weakly falls against the pillows. He turns to his son and
says, "I`m still too weak to get up. Go to the kitchen and get for me a
piece of Sadie`s strudel."

The son obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his father`s
request, only to return a few moments later empty handed. He sits
again by his father`s side.

Moishe looks at him and says, "Nu? Where is the strudel?"
The son replies, "I`m sorry, papa. Mama says it`s for AFTER the funeral!"

A WARNING...

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he
dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to
get a divorce".

I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"

"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to
change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at
all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well,
enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to
invest in the stock market."

"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to
change you." I probed.

"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good
enough for me."

WHAT IS LOVE?

answered by children aged 5-10.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work
anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your
bedroom."
(Judy,8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten?nursery, I'm going to find me a wife".
(Tom,5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike,10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough money to buy her a
big ring and her own laptop, 'cause she'll want to have recordings of the
wedding."
(Jim,10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it
with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)

The GREAT DEBATE: BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED???

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them"
(Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with
how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan,9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the
rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want
to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary,7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them."
(Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street
is on."
(Anita,6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have
been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding
me."
(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have
tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava,8)

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of sweet shops."
(Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo,9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

Just see if the man picks up the bill. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
(John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get
cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Dave 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They
like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire."
(Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
showers at least once a day."
(Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."
(Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you...That's why I stopped doing it."
(Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom,7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."
(Roger,8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take
out the rubbish."
(Randy,8)

MEN YOU NEED TO READ THIS....

1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because
WE actually CHANGE our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in
combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the
toilet bowl.

3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're
watching because of the butts.

4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on
your payday.

5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say
after the movie.

6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than
once a day.

7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number
of baths that you take.

10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't
ask in bed.

11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the
number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.

12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track
of "who's easy?"

13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T
CARE!

14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life:
You'll never see the island coming.

15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond
that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.

Tips For Older Love-makers...

1. Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 999/911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Two old women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think I didn't make it."

HONEST ITS SO TRUE...

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.