THE ART EXPERT :-)

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact ', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

BRO CODE :-)

The Bro Code is an essential friendship etiquette (Guy Code Law) to be followed among men or, more specifically, among members of the bro subculture. Bro code is a guideline to live by between Bro’s.

You must always have your bro’s back. No exceptions.

If a bro dies while lifting, put more weight on the bar, and then call 999.

Shotgun is a responsibility, not a privilege. If you are sitting up front, you’re not a passenger, you’re the co-pilot.

Don’t throw a friend under the bus to impress someone. Ever.

When offered a beer, accept it even if it’s not your brand." Your favorite brand of beer is "free." Your second favorite is "cold."

If friend with truck assists you with moving, you shall reciprocate with a full tank of gas. Beer and pizza also accepted.

If your bro dies, delete his Internet history.

Be polite around your buddy’s lady friend, but when he asks what you think, lay the truth on him like a ten ton slab.

Unless it is super busy, there must always be a one urinal buffer between men in a restroom.

If you shake with a limp hand, you are acknowledging non-verbally to me that I’m in charge, even if we’ve just met.

When your bro’s girlfriend enquires about his whereabouts you know nothing, always.

If you and buddy are having a threesome with a girl, you can’t look each other in the eyes. But if you happen to accidentally look each other in the eyes, you have to high five!

The three-person concept of watching adult videos: One guy watching adult videos is cool. Three guys watching adult videos is cool. Two guys watching adult videos, not cool.

All groceries go from the vehicle to the house in one trip. It does not matter how many bags there are.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

There are specific rules to the "head nod" when greeting another male. If you know them nod up, if you don’t you nod down.

EMPLOYER'S LINGO

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

EMPLOYEE'S LINGO

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANISATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

HONEST ITS SO TRUE...

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

The Male Code that Women Should Memorize!

"It's a guy thing.

Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was a free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

WINE WARNINGS....

Due to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all wine bottles:

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

BEST FRIEND

BEST FRIEND

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another". As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?" The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her." The bartender says "Geez, what did you say.

" The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

BRO CODE..

The Bro Code is an essential friendship etiquette (Guy Code Law) to be followed among men or, more specifically, among members of the bro subculture. Bro code is a guideline to live by between Bro’s.

You must always have your bro’s back. No exceptions.

If a bro dies while lifting, put more weight on the bar, and then call 999.

Shotgun is a responsibility, not a privilege. If you are sitting up front, you’re not a passenger, you’re the co-pilot.

Don’t throw a friend under the bus to impress someone. Ever.

When offered a beer, accept it even if it’s not your brand." Your favorite brand of beer is "free." Your second favorite is "cold."

If friend with truck assists you with moving, you shall reciprocate with a full tank of gas. Beer and pizza also accepted.

If your bro dies, delete his Internet history.

Be polite around your buddy’s lady friend, but when he asks what you think, lay the truth on him like a ten ton slab.

Unless it is super busy, there must always be a one urinal buffer between men in a restroom.

If you shake with a limp hand, you are acknowledging non-verbally to me that I’m in charge, even if we’ve just met.

When your bro’s girlfriend enquires about his whereabouts you know nothing, always.

If you and buddy are having a threesome with a girl, you can’t look each other in the eyes. But if you happen to accidentally look each other in the eyes, you have to high five!

The three-person concept of watching adult videos: One guy watching adult videos is cool. Three guys watching adult videos is cool. Two guys watching adult videos, not cool.

All groceries go from the vehicle to the house in one trip. It does not matter how many bags there are.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

There are specific rules to the "head nod" when greeting another male. If you know them nod up, if you don’t you nod down.