MISOGYNISTIC JOKES......

I asked the wife for some oral pleasure today.
She said, " You want me to suck you off?"
I replied, "No, I want you to shut the fuck up."

A friend of mine just had some strobe lights fitted in his bedroom.
He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she's moving now

A wise man once said :-)
You should treat a woman like a vacuum cleaner... Once she stops sucking...
Change the fucking bag!!!!

BRO CODE :-)

The Bro Code is an essential friendship etiquette (Guy Code Law) to be followed among men or, more specifically, among members of the bro subculture. Bro code is a guideline to live by between Bro’s.

You must always have your bro’s back. No exceptions.

If a bro dies while lifting, put more weight on the bar, and then call 999.

Shotgun is a responsibility, not a privilege. If you are sitting up front, you’re not a passenger, you’re the co-pilot.

Don’t throw a friend under the bus to impress someone. Ever.

When offered a beer, accept it even if it’s not your brand." Your favorite brand of beer is "free." Your second favorite is "cold."

If friend with truck assists you with moving, you shall reciprocate with a full tank of gas. Beer and pizza also accepted.

If your bro dies, delete his Internet history.

Be polite around your buddy’s lady friend, but when he asks what you think, lay the truth on him like a ten ton slab.

Unless it is super busy, there must always be a one urinal buffer between men in a restroom.

If you shake with a limp hand, you are acknowledging non-verbally to me that I’m in charge, even if we’ve just met.

When your bro’s girlfriend enquires about his whereabouts you know nothing, always.

If you and buddy are having a threesome with a girl, you can’t look each other in the eyes. But if you happen to accidentally look each other in the eyes, you have to high five!

The three-person concept of watching adult videos: One guy watching adult videos is cool. Three guys watching adult videos is cool. Two guys watching adult videos, not cool.

All groceries go from the vehicle to the house in one trip. It does not matter how many bags there are.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

There are specific rules to the "head nod" when greeting another male. If you know them nod up, if you don’t you nod down.

MEN YOU NEED TO READ THIS....

1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because
WE actually CHANGE our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in
combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the
toilet bowl.

3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're
watching because of the butts.

4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on
your payday.

5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say
after the movie.

6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than
once a day.

7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number
of baths that you take.

10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't
ask in bed.

11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the
number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.

12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track
of "who's easy?"

13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T
CARE!

14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life:
You'll never see the island coming.

15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond
that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.

PORN LESSONS...

30 things you learn from porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with
sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy cummers.

11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo
in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl
isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes,the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you
shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to
remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
trousers and find a cock there.

29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand
firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on
his hip.

30. Dorky guys never have to beg.

LANGUAGE IN THE WORK PLACE...

Notification to all staff regarding Offensive Language

It has been brought to the attention of the Management that certain individuals have been using bad language at work.
Due to complaints from some of the employees and customers who are more easily offended, this kind of language will no longer be tolerated.
However the management are not entirely without feeling and do recognise the significance and importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating and interacting with their fellow colleagues.
With this in mind the Human Resources section has compile a list of key phrases and their more respectable and acceptable replacements, so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an affective and productive manner without risking offence to the more sensitive employees and in tandem allowing the verbal employees to not suffer undue stress whilst having to bottle up their emotions.

OLD PHRASE & NEW PHRASE

No Fucking Way!
I'm fairly sure that's not really feasible

You're Fucking kidding?
Really?

Tell someone who gives a Fuck
I will have to run that one by !!!!

No Bastard told me?
I wasn't informed of that

I don't have Fucking time!
Perhaps I can work late?

Who Fucking cares?
Are you sure there's a problem?

Eat Shit and Die
You don't say!

Eat Shit and Die Mother Fucker!!!
You don't say, Sir

Kiss my ass...
So then, would you like to help me?

Kiss my ass, Kiss his ass, kiss everyone's ass
Group Hug…

She's/He's a Fucking prick...
She/He's somewhat Insensitive

She's a ball busting, Bad ass Bitch
She's an Aggressive Go-Getter

You really haven't got a Fucking Clue, Have you?
You could perhaps do with a little more training

This place is Fucked!
We're a little disorganised today..

This place is Fucked again..
We're all sacked...

What the Hell sort of FuckWit are you?
You're Kind'a New here aren't you ?

Fuck Off, Shit Head
Well, there you go, something I didn't know, thanks for sharing it with me..

You're a Fucking Asshole aren't you ?
You're my Supervisor aren't you ?

Fuck Off...
I'll look into it and get right back to you

Fuck Off, You Dickhead
I no longer need your assistance.

Fuck Me....
Well, there's summat you don't see everyday

How do you get this piece of shit to work?
I could use a little more training..

Fucking Loser!!!!
Gee that really was unfortunate...

Stick you're head up your ass and fight for breath...
That was a great Idea, Why couldn't I have thought of it first

I've Fucked up...
I appear to have made an error

You're a fucking liar...
You must be wrong...