FISHING...

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but
otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...
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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....

CLASS ACT...

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

"Absolutely not! I look like a million dollars in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress?

You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear...

I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

QUICKIE TIME..

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate, 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. His friend replied, 'You're so fucking lucky. Mine's still alive!'

A guy was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked him to check her balance. So he pushed her over.

First guy, "What's the difference between light and hard?" Second guy, "You can sleep with a light on."

A guy was telling me that he kept having his profile on those dating websites rejected. When I asked why he said, "One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?' Apparently, 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer."

TRUISMS TO MAKE YOU SMILE...

I don't have a dirty mind...
Its a sexy imagination...

What doesn't kill you fucks you up mentally :-)))

Wish I lived in a world where mosquito's sucked fat instead of blood..

If you say your cooler then me, does that mean I am hotter then you?

Everyone is getting into relationships! Me I can't even find my other slipper...

When angry count to 10, then throw a punch at 8 no one expects that :-)

Inner beauty is great, but a little mascara doesn't hurt.

Yeah I have made mistakes but life nor me come with a instruction manual...

An apple a day keeps everyone away if you throw it hard enough :-))

My number 1 favourite

I didn't fart, my arse loves you so much it blew you a kiss :-)))))

CLASSY LASS'Y....

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"

JUST A SHIT JOKE....

THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl. THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper. THE WET SHIT You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks. THE SECOND WAVE SHIT This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more. THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. THE CORN SHIT No explanation necessary. THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT- The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting. THE WET CHEEKS SHIT Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE LIQUID SHIT That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute. THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT A class all its own. THE CROWD PLEASER This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. THE MOOD ENHANCER This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. THE RITUAL This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT This is any shit created in the presence of another person. THE GROANER A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance. THE FLOATER Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE RANGER A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper. THE PHANTOM SHIT This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there. THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. THE BOMBSHELL A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities. THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. THE OLYMPIC SHIT This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit. THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car. THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit. PREMEDITATED SHIT Laxative induced. Doesn't count. SHITZOPHERENIA Fear of shitting - can be fatal! ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT Also known as a "Still Going" shit. THE POWER DUMP SHIT The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done. THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.) THE SPINAL TAP SHIT The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways. THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards. THE PORRIDGE SHIT The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning. THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air. THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place. THE "YOU'VE GOT SHIT ON YOUR SHOES, YOU SHIT SHOE BASTARD" SHIT No explanation required.

LANGUAGE IN THE WORK PLACE...

Notification to all staff regarding Offensive Language

It has been brought to the attention of the Management that certain individuals have been using bad language at work.
Due to complaints from some of the employees and customers who are more easily offended, this kind of language will no longer be tolerated.
However the management are not entirely without feeling and do recognise the significance and importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating and interacting with their fellow colleagues.
With this in mind the Human Resources section has compile a list of key phrases and their more respectable and acceptable replacements, so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an affective and productive manner without risking offence to the more sensitive employees and in tandem allowing the verbal employees to not suffer undue stress whilst having to bottle up their emotions.

OLD PHRASE & NEW PHRASE

No Fucking Way!
I'm fairly sure that's not really feasible

You're Fucking kidding?
Really?

Tell someone who gives a Fuck
I will have to run that one by !!!!

No Bastard told me?
I wasn't informed of that

I don't have Fucking time!
Perhaps I can work late?

Who Fucking cares?
Are you sure there's a problem?

Eat Shit and Die
You don't say!

Eat Shit and Die Mother Fucker!!!
You don't say, Sir

Kiss my ass...
So then, would you like to help me?

Kiss my ass, Kiss his ass, kiss everyone's ass
Group Hug…

She's/He's a Fucking prick...
She/He's somewhat Insensitive

She's a ball busting, Bad ass Bitch
She's an Aggressive Go-Getter

You really haven't got a Fucking Clue, Have you?
You could perhaps do with a little more training

This place is Fucked!
We're a little disorganised today..

This place is Fucked again..
We're all sacked...

What the Hell sort of FuckWit are you?
You're Kind'a New here aren't you ?

Fuck Off, Shit Head
Well, there you go, something I didn't know, thanks for sharing it with me..

You're a Fucking Asshole aren't you ?
You're my Supervisor aren't you ?

Fuck Off...
I'll look into it and get right back to you

Fuck Off, You Dickhead
I no longer need your assistance.

Fuck Me....
Well, there's summat you don't see everyday

How do you get this piece of shit to work?
I could use a little more training..

Fucking Loser!!!!
Gee that really was unfortunate...

Stick you're head up your ass and fight for breath...
That was a great Idea, Why couldn't I have thought of it first

I've Fucked up...
I appear to have made an error

You're a fucking liar...
You must be wrong...

THE BLONDE JOKE...

An old, Partially blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The old cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

MAKING FRIENDS.

NEW FRIENDS...

Presently I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook,

while applying the same principles.

Every day I go down the street and tell passers by what I have eaten,

how I feel,

what I have done the night before

and what I will do next.

I show them pictures of my family,

kids, grandkids, my animals, my garden, my meals and me resting on my bed.

I listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works:

I already have three people following me:

Two police officers and a psychiatrist..

WINE WARNINGS....

Due to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all wine bottles:

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

MOUSEBALLS

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note last sentence!)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit.) Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

SATAN SCARES...

One bright and beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the village wakes up early and goes to the local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and families etc.

Suddenly at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling each other in their efforts to get away from this evil spirit.

Soon, everyone has left the church, except for one man who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Of course I do."

Satan shouts, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan perturbed says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replies, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 35 years."

Purr-litical Correctness

In the state of political correctness, nobody is a "liar" they are simply "verbally superfluous". 

No one is a "housekeeper," they are "domestic engineers." See how we can apply this "game" to the many activities of our cats:

• My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
  
• My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
  
• My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
  
• My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
  
• My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
  
• My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
  
• My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
  
• My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.
  
• My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
  
• My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
  
• My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
  
• My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
  
• My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
  
• My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
  
• My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
  
• My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
  
• My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
  
• My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
  
• My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).

MAN ANSWER TO OUR QUESTIONS

MAN ANSWER TO OUR QUESTIONS

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal

POLITICS...

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism.
Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government.
We take care of your need, so let's call you The People.
We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future.
Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep.
He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.
The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of crap."

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and
asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he
goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and
experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is
work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:
a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other
words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question,
then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so
many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have
the maid do it."

AGE OLD QUESTION

I mowed the lawn yesterday and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
of nice cold beers.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the whatsits ?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the whatsits.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the whatsits is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the whatsits "
I rest my case.

LIFE IN ALL ITS GLORY.

This Kind of Stuff Has Got To Stop In Our Country

We Must Stop This Immediately! This Kind of Stuff Has Got To Stop In Our Country

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper?

Groceries are heavier.

And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become!

This extension work was apparently done at night!! Very sneaky stuff.

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters.

They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.

On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.

I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. This cannot be me

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........ Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them.

All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large'? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking to my house and messing around with my computer. Probably MI5....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?

YEP TIS AN AGE THING XXX

Author unknown if anyone comes across the original please let me know so l can credit them unless they have forgotten they have wrote it!!

JUST FOR FUN FOR US OLDIES BUT GOODIES.......

SO HOW MANY OF THESE WILL YOU ADMIT TOO :-)

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Your back goes out, but you stay home.

When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

When happy hour is a nap.

When you're on vacation, and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time
.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

OLD SEX TIPS

Tips For Older Love-makers...

1. Put your glasses on. Double check that you're with the right partner.

2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Finally a little funny to end it all :-)))

Two old women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think I didn't make it."

COLONOSCOPY

It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.

His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining r oom.
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me, I sat down.
While waiting, I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer

When Dr. Putz finally came in I said"Look Doc", I'm a little confuse this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, & I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse,

"Damn it, Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT!"