THE ART EXPERT :-)

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact ', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

GO GIRL...

This joke always reminds me of a very dear friend who l lost to AIDS 17 yrs ago xx

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

INSULTS FOR THE WELL MANNERED.....

1. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.

2. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.

3. May your mother come to talk to you, and then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you have to get up and close it.

4. May your article load that extra little bit as you’re about to click a link so you click an ad instead.

5. May both sides of your pillow be warm.

6. May you forever feel your mobile vibrating in the pocket it’s not even in.

7. May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.

8. May your life be as pleasant as you are.

9. May your chair produce a sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it to prove that it was just the chair.

10. May your five year old neighbor have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.

11. May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the chord isn’t plugged in the wall.

12. May your return calls always go unanswered, even though you literally just f*cking called me.. Jean (who is your friend who does this)

13. May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.

14. May your tea be too hot when you receive it, and too cold by the time you remember it’s there.

15. May your cookie always be slightly too large to fit inside your glass of milk.

16. May the pin of the bathroom stall never reach the lock to close the door.

17. May all your Facebook invites be game invites.

18. May you never be quite certain whether that pressure is a fart or poop.

19. May your spoon always slip and sink under the hot soup you eat.

20. May you never remember these curses when you try to.

TOTALLY UNPC JOKES...

Q: What is the definition of suspicious??
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.

The husband said to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
"Okay," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes

Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? £3.00 a minute.

Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks Funny!

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You get to meet new people every day!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.

What is the similarity between a man and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you! 

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits in there!

Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.

What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is boning her.

Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!

What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)

What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!

What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home!

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.

The Male Code that Women Should Memorize!

"It's a guy thing.

Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was a free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

SATAN SCARES...

One bright and beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the village wakes up early and goes to the local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and families etc.

Suddenly at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling each other in their efforts to get away from this evil spirit.

Soon, everyone has left the church, except for one man who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Of course I do."

Satan shouts, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan perturbed says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replies, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 35 years."

Purr-litical Correctness

In the state of political correctness, nobody is a "liar" they are simply "verbally superfluous". 

No one is a "housekeeper," they are "domestic engineers." See how we can apply this "game" to the many activities of our cats:

• My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
  
• My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
  
• My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
  
• My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
  
• My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
  
• My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
  
• My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
  
• My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.
  
• My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
  
• My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
  
• My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
  
• My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
  
• My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
  
• My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
  
• My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
  
• My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
  
• My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
  
• My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
  
• My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).

NAUGHTY WRINKLIES...

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

BRO CODE..

The Bro Code is an essential friendship etiquette (Guy Code Law) to be followed among men or, more specifically, among members of the bro subculture. Bro code is a guideline to live by between Bro’s.

You must always have your bro’s back. No exceptions.

If a bro dies while lifting, put more weight on the bar, and then call 999.

Shotgun is a responsibility, not a privilege. If you are sitting up front, you’re not a passenger, you’re the co-pilot.

Don’t throw a friend under the bus to impress someone. Ever.

When offered a beer, accept it even if it’s not your brand." Your favorite brand of beer is "free." Your second favorite is "cold."

If friend with truck assists you with moving, you shall reciprocate with a full tank of gas. Beer and pizza also accepted.

If your bro dies, delete his Internet history.

Be polite around your buddy’s lady friend, but when he asks what you think, lay the truth on him like a ten ton slab.

Unless it is super busy, there must always be a one urinal buffer between men in a restroom.

If you shake with a limp hand, you are acknowledging non-verbally to me that I’m in charge, even if we’ve just met.

When your bro’s girlfriend enquires about his whereabouts you know nothing, always.

If you and buddy are having a threesome with a girl, you can’t look each other in the eyes. But if you happen to accidentally look each other in the eyes, you have to high five!

The three-person concept of watching adult videos: One guy watching adult videos is cool. Three guys watching adult videos is cool. Two guys watching adult videos, not cool.

All groceries go from the vehicle to the house in one trip. It does not matter how many bags there are.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

There are specific rules to the "head nod" when greeting another male. If you know them nod up, if you don’t you nod down.

TERRORIST ALERT :-)

TERRORIST ALERT.....

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "peeved." Soon, though,security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France´s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country´s military capability.

It´s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:" Invade a "Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

POLITICS...

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism.
Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government.
We take care of your need, so let's call you The People.
We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future.
Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep.
He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.
The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of crap."

THE ENGINEER

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.

We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

AMERICA WAKE UP SMELL THE COFFEE...

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus satisfactorily govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Teresa May, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1 You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

2 Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

3 There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

4 You should learn to distinguish between the English and New Zealand or Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

5 Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

6 You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

7 You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2020.

8 You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

9 July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

10 All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11 Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

WHALE REVENGE...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.".

THE TOWEL...

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors.

After tests the doctor suggest Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex.

Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex.
After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap.

I'll fuck her and you waft the towel.

Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and say's

"and that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel!"

DATING BDSM STYLE

Thanks to Mistress Georgina for finding this and also thanks to Majistar for allowing us to copy and post it....

Under consideration -- we're dating
I've been released -- he dumped me
24/7 -- a relationship (probably live-in)
I am a true dom/sub -- you're a phony if you aren't just like me
He's a wannabe -- I'm acting like I'm part of the "in" crowd, but that's because I'm hoping you won't see that I'm really a wannabe
You aren't sub enough -- I can't handle a gal with a mind of her own without resorting to cheap manipulation
I have a mentor/protector -- he's got a knight in shining armor kink and gets off on playing "dom lite"
I'm real -- I'm crazy so I hope this convinces you that all the goofy stuff I've said has its place on planet earth
submission is a gift -- I'm waiting for Prince Charming to come riding up to me in a carriage drawn by pink unicorns
IS THIS YOU?? (follows a description of a fantasy mate) -- Are you so stupid or desperate that you take me seriously?
I will bend you to my will –- I am insane
I am a bratty sub –- I am a pain in the ass
I am a submissive with slave tendencies -- pick me because I'm pretending to be subbier (or better) than a regular submissive.
I am seeking my One -- someone out there has dysfunctions which are compatible with mine
I have 20 years experience in the lifestyle -- I hope you'll be impressed by the few things I learned 20 years ago because I haven't learned anything since
I seek a master to teach me -- I dropped out of high school
I am a trainer of sluts -- I'm looking for girls who will believe they are being "trained" when I order them to blow me
training -- getting to know ya
I'm trained -- I will drive you nuts doing exactly what my last master wanted
I am a 24/7 slave, online only -- I am a bored housewife
I'm strict but fair -- I'm always right, you're always wrong, and I'll beat you whenever you’re right and I don’t want to admit it

What they say Verses What they mean in personal ads:

Spiritual: Will say anything to have sex with you
Seeing what is out there: Cheating on a girlfriend or spouse (or both)
Slightly older: Buys Viagra in bulk
Looking for a friend: Wants sex on the first date
Lets get to know each other: Wants fuck buddy
Bored with: Tired of jerking off
Artist: Jobless, crashing on friends couch
Open minded: Wants anal sex on first date
Handsome: Bald
Soulful: Long winded and dull
Long term relationship: Desperate and lonely
No Games: Anticipate Drama
Fun Loving: Get used to lots of farting and burping
I like to spoil you with…..: Stalker
Tantric gentleman: Middle aged and frequently naked
Normal guy here: Lacks any sexual ability whatsoever
Looking for more: Hookers stopped returning his calls
Adventurous: Owns insane amounts of porn
New to the area: Drifter wanting free sex
Available: Horny and desperate
Creative: Will let you buy dinner
Nice looking: Serial Killer
Looking for a connection: I need your vagina for three minutes
Athletic: Jerks off at his own reflection frequently
Fit: Scrawny
Dedicated: Has no life wants to invade yours
Entrepreneur: Unemployed
Ready for a fresh start: Hiding from law enforcement
Honest: Lacks any discretion
Fun: Has numerous fetishes
Respectful: Pussy Whipped
Down to earth: Will bore you to tears
Successful: Overly self important

Intelligent: Pompous
Sensual and caring: Will fixate on rubbing your breasts endlessly
Average guy: Short and balding
Discreet= please, pretty please, don't tell on me
Race, sex, age unimportant = just something to stop the masturbation
Intelligent - can spell own name correctly (most of the time)
Caring - has 20 cats
Sociable - has multiple personalities on Second Life
Will encourage your hobbies - wants weekends free for gaming conventions
Loves kids - convicted pedophile
Considered handsome - by his mother
Financially secure - tightwad
Looking for love - didn't find it with his four ex-wives
Neat and tidy - irons his underwear/borderline OCD