TOTALLY UNPC JOKES...

Q: What is the definition of suspicious??
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.

The husband said to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
"Okay," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes

Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? £3.00 a minute.

Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks Funny!

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You get to meet new people every day!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.

What is the similarity between a man and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you! 

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits in there!

Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.

What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is boning her.

Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!

What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)

What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!

What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home!

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.

THE INSPECTION...

A general is inspecting sick bay, during world war two. He visits three patients:
What is your name, soldier?
Jones, Sir.
Why are you in here?
Bleeding piles, sir.
What treatment are you receiving?
Wire brush and Dettol, sir.
Ambition?
To get out of here and back to the front, Sir!

The general moves on to the next bed.
What is your name,soldier.
Smith, Sir.
Why are you in here?
Gonorrhea, sir.
What treatment are you receiving?
Wire brush and Dettol, sir.
Ambition?
To get out of here and back to the front, Sir!

The general moves on to the final bed.
What is your name, soldier?
Williams, Sir.
Why are you in here?
Infected gums, Sir.
What treatment are you receiving?
Wire brush and Dettol, Sir.
Ambition?
To get the wire brush before Smith and Jones, Sir!

CLASSY LASS'Y....

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"

DOG V CAT

What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4) They growl when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to play.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They are great at begging.

8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

9) They leave their toys everywhere.

10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats.....

I AM THE BEAR....

YEP I'M GONNA BE A BEAR...

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear,everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear.

PORN LESSONS...

30 things you learn from porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with
sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy cummers.

11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo
in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl
isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes,the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you
shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to
remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
trousers and find a cock there.

29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand
firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on
his hip.

30. Dorky guys never have to beg.

IT'S A CURRY!

Inexperienced Curry Taster

Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These char o's are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

Judge One: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

Judge One: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge Two: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Frank: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

Judge One: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

Judge One: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge Two: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o's!

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

Judge One: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

Frank: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

EAT YA VEG!!!

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

JUST A SHIT JOKE....

THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl. THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper. THE WET SHIT You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks. THE SECOND WAVE SHIT This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more. THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. THE CORN SHIT No explanation necessary. THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT- The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting. THE WET CHEEKS SHIT Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE LIQUID SHIT That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute. THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT A class all its own. THE CROWD PLEASER This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. THE MOOD ENHANCER This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. THE RITUAL This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT This is any shit created in the presence of another person. THE GROANER A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance. THE FLOATER Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE RANGER A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper. THE PHANTOM SHIT This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there. THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. THE BOMBSHELL A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities. THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. THE OLYMPIC SHIT This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit. THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car. THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit. PREMEDITATED SHIT Laxative induced. Doesn't count. SHITZOPHERENIA Fear of shitting - can be fatal! ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT Also known as a "Still Going" shit. THE POWER DUMP SHIT The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done. THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.) THE SPINAL TAP SHIT The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways. THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards. THE PORRIDGE SHIT The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning. THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air. THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place. THE "YOU'VE GOT SHIT ON YOUR SHOES, YOU SHIT SHOE BASTARD" SHIT No explanation required.

OFFICE RULES...

Please Take note of the following, in effect from Monday.

Sickdays
We will not longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Surgery
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have somehing removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personals days a year. These are called Saturdays and Sundays.

Vacation Days
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows January 1 and December 25.

Bereavement Leave
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangment. In rare cases where employee involvment is necessary, the funeral should held in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

Absence Due to Your Own Death
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

Restroom Use
Too much time is being wasted in the restroom. In future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabethical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at your alloted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies you may swap with a co-worker but both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict three minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of the three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract and the toilet door will open.

Lunch Break
Skinny people will get an one hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal sized people will get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure.
Fat people will receive five minutes for lunch because that's all the time need to drink a Smil Fast and a diet pill.

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes and carrying £600 Gucci bag we will assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for loyalty to our firm. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations etc should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day.

LANGUAGE IN THE WORK PLACE...

Notification to all staff regarding Offensive Language

It has been brought to the attention of the Management that certain individuals have been using bad language at work.
Due to complaints from some of the employees and customers who are more easily offended, this kind of language will no longer be tolerated.
However the management are not entirely without feeling and do recognise the significance and importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating and interacting with their fellow colleagues.
With this in mind the Human Resources section has compile a list of key phrases and their more respectable and acceptable replacements, so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an affective and productive manner without risking offence to the more sensitive employees and in tandem allowing the verbal employees to not suffer undue stress whilst having to bottle up their emotions.

OLD PHRASE & NEW PHRASE

No Fucking Way!
I'm fairly sure that's not really feasible

You're Fucking kidding?
Really?

Tell someone who gives a Fuck
I will have to run that one by !!!!

No Bastard told me?
I wasn't informed of that

I don't have Fucking time!
Perhaps I can work late?

Who Fucking cares?
Are you sure there's a problem?

Eat Shit and Die
You don't say!

Eat Shit and Die Mother Fucker!!!
You don't say, Sir

Kiss my ass...
So then, would you like to help me?

Kiss my ass, Kiss his ass, kiss everyone's ass
Group Hug…

She's/He's a Fucking prick...
She/He's somewhat Insensitive

She's a ball busting, Bad ass Bitch
She's an Aggressive Go-Getter

You really haven't got a Fucking Clue, Have you?
You could perhaps do with a little more training

This place is Fucked!
We're a little disorganised today..

This place is Fucked again..
We're all sacked...

What the Hell sort of FuckWit are you?
You're Kind'a New here aren't you ?

Fuck Off, Shit Head
Well, there you go, something I didn't know, thanks for sharing it with me..

You're a Fucking Asshole aren't you ?
You're my Supervisor aren't you ?

Fuck Off...
I'll look into it and get right back to you

Fuck Off, You Dickhead
I no longer need your assistance.

Fuck Me....
Well, there's summat you don't see everyday

How do you get this piece of shit to work?
I could use a little more training..

Fucking Loser!!!!
Gee that really was unfortunate...

Stick you're head up your ass and fight for breath...
That was a great Idea, Why couldn't I have thought of it first

I've Fucked up...
I appear to have made an error

You're a fucking liar...
You must be wrong...

THE BLONDE JOKE...

An old, Partially blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The old cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

MAKING FRIENDS.

NEW FRIENDS...

Presently I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook,

while applying the same principles.

Every day I go down the street and tell passers by what I have eaten,

how I feel,

what I have done the night before

and what I will do next.

I show them pictures of my family,

kids, grandkids, my animals, my garden, my meals and me resting on my bed.

I listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works:

I already have three people following me:

Two police officers and a psychiatrist..

CROC FIGHT...

CROC FIGHT...

Monty Kelly, a rich man who lived near Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party.

So he invited his buddies including Darel, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

The party was held around the pool in the backyard of Monty's mansion. Everyone was having a good time dancing, eating prawns, oysters and drinking and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 16ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of Monty's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The Monty says, 'Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Darel.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about a new car?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Darel.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Rolex watch and some stock options?

Again, Darel said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Darel, then what do you want?

Darel said, 'I just want the cunt who pushed me in!'

WOMEN'S DICTIONARY :-)

Argument (ahr•gyoo•munt) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, and continues until he realizes it.

Airhead (ayr•hed) n. An act you put on when pulled over for speeding.

Bar-be-que (bar•buh•Q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up—for the dinner he made for his friends."

Blonde jokes (blahnd joks) n. Jokes short enough for men to understand.

Cantaloupe (kant•e•lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (chIld•brth) n. You go through 36 hours of contractions. He holds your hand and says, "focus...breathe...push...."

Clothes dryer (kloze drI•yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet soda (dI•it so•duh) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Diamond (dI-mun) n. Something you think should be on your finger but he can only see in a baseball park. (American only)

Eternity (e•ter•ni•tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex•er•siz) v. Walking up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow•sree list) n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair dresser (hare dres•er) n. A magician who creates a hair style you can never duplicate.

Hardware store (hard•wer stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space: once he goes in, he isn't coming out any time soon.

Housework (haws•wrk) n. Work around the house including moping and washing dishes.

Lipstick (lip•stik) n. On your lips, a color to enhance your beauty of your mouth. On his collar, a color only a tramp would wear.

Park (pahrk) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning "a place with a swing set and slide".

Patience (pay•shuns) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof mascara (wah•tr•pruf mas•ka•ruh) n. Mascara that comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but not when you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (va•lun•tInz dae) n. A day when you dream of a candle light dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

The Male Code that Women Should Memorize!

"It's a guy thing.

Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was a free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."