WISHES....

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water
hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another
animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will
grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish
for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put
it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish
like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the
bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned
the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid
things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the
motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish
that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear
was gay..."

HONEST ITS SO TRUE...

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

DOG V CAT

What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4) They growl when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to play.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They are great at begging.

8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

9) They leave their toys everywhere.

10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats.....

I AM THE BEAR....

YEP I'M GONNA BE A BEAR...

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear,everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear.

CROC FIGHT...

CROC FIGHT...

Monty Kelly, a rich man who lived near Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party.

So he invited his buddies including Darel, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

The party was held around the pool in the backyard of Monty's mansion. Everyone was having a good time dancing, eating prawns, oysters and drinking and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 16ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of Monty's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The Monty says, 'Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Darel.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about a new car?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Darel.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Rolex watch and some stock options?

Again, Darel said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Darel, then what do you want?

Darel said, 'I just want the cunt who pushed me in!'

CAT RE-LOCATION...

Ten Tips For Cats Who Are Forced To Relocate With Their Owners

Cats are free spirits. Even when compressed into a small cat carrier, they are in charge. We can learn from them.

1. If you sense your owner plans to move, be on your best behaviour.
   
   Revive those terminally cute poses you used to get yourself adopted. Let your owner sleep past 5 AM. Keep your paws out of your owner's hair.
   
   Use the litterbox religiously. If you must throw up, head for the bathroom and skip the windowsills.
   
   You do not want your owner to entertain thoughts like, "I don't want to ruin the beautiful floors in our new home," or, "You know, it's really hard to rent an apartment when you have a cat."
   
2. Here's a great game. Jump into an empty box, stick your head out and hold the pose while your owner runs around looking for a camera. As soon as she appears, finger on snap button, turn around and point your tail at the camera.
   
   You'll learn some new cuss words, guaranteed.
   
3. The arrival of the moving van is your cue to hide. You can have lots of fun with this one.
   
   Your owner will run around frantically, cursing the movers: "You idiots! You left the door open! Now little Furball is gone forever!"
   
   After they've wasted an hour running around the neighborhood, appear out of nowhere and begin to wash. When they shriek, "Oh there she is!" and try to hug you, summon an aloof glare and wash your face again.
   
   Bonus tip: If you really want to freak them out, hide in your cat carrier.
   
4. As you begin your twelve-hour drive, remember that your owners would rather listen to your yowling than to the latest tapes or the local weather and news. Keep it up!
   
5. Demand a sandbox break as soon as your owner begins driving on a road where it is absolutely impossible to pull over. A narrow bridge with bumper-to-bumper traffic is a good choice.
   
6. Motel etiquette calls for you to sit in the window, looking absolutely adorable. Encourage passers-by to tap on the glass at all hours, especially if your owner has forgotten to draw the curtains.
   
   If you suspect your owners have snuck you into the room without checking, begin yowling as soon as they try to move you to a more secluded spot.
   
7. When it's time to hit the road at 6 AM, you don't want to be found. If you can position yourself under the queensize bed, out of reach of your owner's arms, you can delay everyone's travel plans for a good half hour. The award for the most creative hiding place goes to the feline who wedged herself between mattress cover and springs.
   
   Caution: This only works if your owner really adores you. If you can't be found in twenty minutes, you might be looking for a new home.
   
8. Insist on being present when boxes are unpacked. Jump into each box to make sure the contents arrived safely. If your owners lock you into the bathroom "so kitty can't escape," use the opportunity to practice your singing. The movers need entertainment, too.
   
9. Demand to test each windowsill of the new home. If you still have claws, test the curtains to see if they'll hold your weight. Fifteen pounds? Should be no problem.
   
   Regardless, those miniblinds offer limitless opportunities for new versions of torture-the-owner. How many can you bend? How about breaking off a little hole for your head to peek through? Cute.
   
10. Encourage your owner to get a dog. You may never have to move again. "Honey, we can't move. We could never afford another place where Spot could have a yard."

NAUGHTY DOC....

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients, and felt guilty about it all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But, every once in a while, he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

Invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "But Dave.....you're a vet."