EMPLOYER'S LINGO

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

EMPLOYEE'S LINGO

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANISATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

OFFICE RULES...

Please Take note of the following, in effect from Monday.

Sickdays
We will not longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Surgery
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have somehing removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personals days a year. These are called Saturdays and Sundays.

Vacation Days
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows January 1 and December 25.

Bereavement Leave
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangment. In rare cases where employee involvment is necessary, the funeral should held in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

Absence Due to Your Own Death
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

Restroom Use
Too much time is being wasted in the restroom. In future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabethical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at your alloted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies you may swap with a co-worker but both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict three minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of the three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract and the toilet door will open.

Lunch Break
Skinny people will get an one hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal sized people will get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure.
Fat people will receive five minutes for lunch because that's all the time need to drink a Smil Fast and a diet pill.

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes and carrying £600 Gucci bag we will assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for loyalty to our firm. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations etc should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day.

LANGUAGE IN THE WORK PLACE...

Notification to all staff regarding Offensive Language

It has been brought to the attention of the Management that certain individuals have been using bad language at work.
Due to complaints from some of the employees and customers who are more easily offended, this kind of language will no longer be tolerated.
However the management are not entirely without feeling and do recognise the significance and importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating and interacting with their fellow colleagues.
With this in mind the Human Resources section has compile a list of key phrases and their more respectable and acceptable replacements, so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an affective and productive manner without risking offence to the more sensitive employees and in tandem allowing the verbal employees to not suffer undue stress whilst having to bottle up their emotions.

OLD PHRASE & NEW PHRASE

No Fucking Way!
I'm fairly sure that's not really feasible

You're Fucking kidding?
Really?

Tell someone who gives a Fuck
I will have to run that one by !!!!

No Bastard told me?
I wasn't informed of that

I don't have Fucking time!
Perhaps I can work late?

Who Fucking cares?
Are you sure there's a problem?

Eat Shit and Die
You don't say!

Eat Shit and Die Mother Fucker!!!
You don't say, Sir

Kiss my ass...
So then, would you like to help me?

Kiss my ass, Kiss his ass, kiss everyone's ass
Group Hug…

She's/He's a Fucking prick...
She/He's somewhat Insensitive

She's a ball busting, Bad ass Bitch
She's an Aggressive Go-Getter

You really haven't got a Fucking Clue, Have you?
You could perhaps do with a little more training

This place is Fucked!
We're a little disorganised today..

This place is Fucked again..
We're all sacked...

What the Hell sort of FuckWit are you?
You're Kind'a New here aren't you ?

Fuck Off, Shit Head
Well, there you go, something I didn't know, thanks for sharing it with me..

You're a Fucking Asshole aren't you ?
You're my Supervisor aren't you ?

Fuck Off...
I'll look into it and get right back to you

Fuck Off, You Dickhead
I no longer need your assistance.

Fuck Me....
Well, there's summat you don't see everyday

How do you get this piece of shit to work?
I could use a little more training..

Fucking Loser!!!!
Gee that really was unfortunate...

Stick you're head up your ass and fight for breath...
That was a great Idea, Why couldn't I have thought of it first

I've Fucked up...
I appear to have made an error

You're a fucking liar...
You must be wrong...