GO GIRL...

This joke always reminds me of a very dear friend who l lost to AIDS 17 yrs ago xx

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

MISOGYNISTIC JOKES......

I asked the wife for some oral pleasure today.
She said, " You want me to suck you off?"
I replied, "No, I want you to shut the fuck up."

A friend of mine just had some strobe lights fitted in his bedroom.
He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she's moving now

A wise man once said :-)
You should treat a woman like a vacuum cleaner... Once she stops sucking...
Change the fucking bag!!!!

INSULTS FOR THE WELL MANNERED.....

1. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.

2. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.

3. May your mother come to talk to you, and then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you have to get up and close it.

4. May your article load that extra little bit as you’re about to click a link so you click an ad instead.

5. May both sides of your pillow be warm.

6. May you forever feel your mobile vibrating in the pocket it’s not even in.

7. May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.

8. May your life be as pleasant as you are.

9. May your chair produce a sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it to prove that it was just the chair.

10. May your five year old neighbor have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.

11. May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the chord isn’t plugged in the wall.

12. May your return calls always go unanswered, even though you literally just f*cking called me.. Jean (who is your friend who does this)

13. May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.

14. May your tea be too hot when you receive it, and too cold by the time you remember it’s there.

15. May your cookie always be slightly too large to fit inside your glass of milk.

16. May the pin of the bathroom stall never reach the lock to close the door.

17. May all your Facebook invites be game invites.

18. May you never be quite certain whether that pressure is a fart or poop.

19. May your spoon always slip and sink under the hot soup you eat.

20. May you never remember these curses when you try to.

WHAT IS LOVE?

answered by children aged 5-10.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work
anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your
bedroom."
(Judy,8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten?nursery, I'm going to find me a wife".
(Tom,5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike,10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough money to buy her a
big ring and her own laptop, 'cause she'll want to have recordings of the
wedding."
(Jim,10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it
with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)

The GREAT DEBATE: BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED???

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them"
(Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with
how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan,9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the
rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want
to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary,7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them."
(Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street
is on."
(Anita,6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have
been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding
me."
(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have
tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava,8)

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of sweet shops."
(Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo,9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

Just see if the man picks up the bill. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
(John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get
cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Dave 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They
like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire."
(Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
showers at least once a day."
(Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."
(Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you...That's why I stopped doing it."
(Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom,7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."
(Roger,8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take
out the rubbish."
(Randy,8)

IT'S A CURRY!

Inexperienced Curry Taster

Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These char o's are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

Judge One: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

Judge One: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge Two: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Frank: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

Judge One: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

Judge One: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge Two: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o's!

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

Judge One: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

Frank: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

EAT YA VEG!!!

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

The Male Code that Women Should Memorize!

"It's a guy thing.

Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was a free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

SATAN SCARES...

One bright and beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the village wakes up early and goes to the local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and families etc.

Suddenly at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling each other in their efforts to get away from this evil spirit.

Soon, everyone has left the church, except for one man who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Of course I do."

Satan shouts, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan perturbed says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replies, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 35 years."

MAN ANSWER TO OUR QUESTIONS

MAN ANSWER TO OUR QUESTIONS

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal

SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT..

John Doe strode into the bedroom , wearing His leather Postal Worker’s uniform. He sneered at the bound and gagged figure on the bed, as He reached into His latex mail bag. Jane Doe, a 29 year old schoolgirl, looked up at her Master, her eyes a mixture of fear and desire. She gasped as He brought a knife with a 9 ~ inch blade out of the bag.

“I saw something on the Internet which I want us to try,” He said sternly,

“Are you willing?”

Jane nodded eagerly and mumbled, “yeff Mather”.

John smiled as He bent close and cut her free of her bonds.

“Strip”, He ordered as He began to remove His own clothes..

Jane quickly complied, wondering what new delights her beloved Master had in store for her.

“Lay back on the bed”, He commanded.

Jane did so. John then laid on top of her.

“Tonight my dear”, He whispered while reaching for the light switch.. “We are going ……….. Vanilla!”

“NOOOOOOoooooooooo”, cried Jane as the room plunged into darkness.

The above tale is true. John eventually left Jane to move in with a vanilla woman. They now have a 24/7 vanilla lifestyle, regularly enjoying home improvements, Tupperware parties and only having sex 3 times a year.

Jane was more fortunate and now attends Vanillas Anonymous, with help and guidance she is slowly recovering. Only last week she was able to stand up and say,

“I have the right to more than one sexual position!”

Vanilla is dangerous and should not be practiced at home. If anyone offers you vanilla sex, just say No.

This has been a BDSM safety awareness announcement.

TERRORIST ALERT :-)

TERRORIST ALERT.....

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "peeved." Soon, though,security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France´s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country´s military capability.

It´s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:" Invade a "Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

AMERICA WAKE UP SMELL THE COFFEE...

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus satisfactorily govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Teresa May, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1 You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

2 Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

3 There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

4 You should learn to distinguish between the English and New Zealand or Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

5 Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

6 You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

7 You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2020.

8 You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

9 July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

10 All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11 Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

WHY WHY WHY DELILAH

I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window

I saw her standing there alone dressed up in her smalls

She was a stunner.

Putting my hand in my pocket I tickled my balls

My ,My, My, Delilah, Why, Why, Why, Delilah

I could see that girl was so good for me

She was in there and I was sat up in her tree

At break of day I was still in that tree and awaiting

She got out of bed and walked the length of the floor

Off came her nightie

Kicking off her panties she entered the bathroom door

My, My, My, Delilah, Why, Why, Why, Delilah

I could see her sitting having a pee

Oh how I wished I had her front door key

Then she opened the blinds and gave me a smile and a wave

Giving a full frontal I fell out of that tree

She was not a woman

A dick and a pair of bollocks was all I could see

Why, Why, Why, Delilah, My, My, My, Delilah

So before I come to kick down your door

Hold onto your goolies or you won't see them no more !!!!!

Copyright; Topoke

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and
asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he
goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and
experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is
work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:
a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other
words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question,
then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so
many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have
the maid do it."

THE TOWEL...

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors.

After tests the doctor suggest Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex.

Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex.
After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap.

I'll fuck her and you waft the towel.

Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and say's

"and that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel!"

AN ENGLISH MAN & AN IRISH MAN

An Irishman, an Englishman and Megan Fox were sitting together in a carriage in a train.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Megan Fox and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, "The Irish fella must have kissed Megan Fox and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Megan Fox was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

And the Irishman was thinking, "This is fucking great.

The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English fucker again."

WARNING TO ALL WRINKLIES...

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their Kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, this kind of Cruel theft is happening with other body parts as well!

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I Went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just That quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living Out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again!

My Butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took Pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with Earlier, but my new butt was attached at least three inches lower Than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor Of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I Was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper Arms swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was Really getting scarey- my body was being replaced one section at a time.

What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a Turkey neck, I decided to tell my story.

Women of the world, wake Up and smell the coffee! Those "plastic" surgeons are using REAL Replacement body parts -stolen from you and me!
The next time Someone you know has something "lifted,” look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere, every Night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying In bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was Relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I Slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband....

THOUGHT WE WOULD HAVE A SMILE TODAY :-) XXXXXX