DONKEY RACING...

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £50.00.
Next day the headline read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR £50.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.
Next day, the headline in the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

RELIGIOUS SUNDAY...

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak.
Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he
could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some
vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go
smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was
able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the
rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

Dear Father,

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T''.
5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub. Yeah God!''
6. We do not refer our Savior, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as
"J.C. and the Boys''.
7. David slew Goliath, he did not "Kick the shit out of him''.
8. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.
9. We don't refer to Judas as "El Finko''.
10. The Pope is consecrated not castrated, and we don't refer to him as
"The Godfather''.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it, for it is my body,'' he did not say, "Eat me.''
12. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't
"stoned off his ass''.
13. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as
"Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.''
14. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry''.
15. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-Pulling
contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St. Taffy's.