MOUSE TALE...

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late
at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. 

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the
bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap,
I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down,
I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an
appetite, and then make off with the cheese." 

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both,
slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies,
"Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take
it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each
morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." 

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I
don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

WISHES....

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water
hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another
animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will
grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish
for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put
it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish
like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the
bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned
the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid
things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the
motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish
that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear
was gay..."

DONKEY RACING...

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £50.00.
Next day the headline read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR £50.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.
Next day, the headline in the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

RELIGIOUS SUNDAY...

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak.
Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he
could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some
vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go
smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was
able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the
rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

Dear Father,

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T''.
5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub. Yeah God!''
6. We do not refer our Savior, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as
"J.C. and the Boys''.
7. David slew Goliath, he did not "Kick the shit out of him''.
8. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.
9. We don't refer to Judas as "El Finko''.
10. The Pope is consecrated not castrated, and we don't refer to him as
"The Godfather''.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it, for it is my body,'' he did not say, "Eat me.''
12. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't
"stoned off his ass''.
13. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as
"Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.''
14. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry''.
15. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-Pulling
contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

MORNING GLORY...

Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND !

HEY TIGER??

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods.

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah,"

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food,"
"Tiger wouldn't do that,"

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food,"

"Tiger wouldn't do that,"

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole...."

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR DOCTOR OR SURGEON....

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that ... uh ... that uh..... thingie

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

There go the lights again...

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile, shcmedle. The floor's clean, right?

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

SISTER'S OF MERCY....

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign
that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on.
Soon, he sees another sign which says...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure
enough, there is a third...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the
driveway.
On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building
with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by
a nun in a long black habit, who asks.. "What may we do for you my
son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this
door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another
nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs:
"Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at
the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He
trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it
shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,

facing another small sign:

"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

MAMA'S APPLE STRUDEL...

Moishe has been lying ill for weeks. A few days ago he slipped into a
coma, and everyone feared the worst. The family is called. The son from
Miami. The daughter from Bridgewater. The aunts. The uncles. All sit waiting
for the end.

Suddenly a miracle! Moishe opens his eyes. Weakly he motions for his
son to approach so he can hear talk to him. Moishe is weak from the illness
and so his voice is very faint as he says, "I`ve been ill?" "Yes, papa,"
replies the son with tears choking his voice, "very ill."

The papa nods and speaks again. "I had a dream. I was nearing death
when I suddenly smelled the aroma of your mother`s apple strudel. I love
that strudel. As wonderful a cook as my Sadie is, that strudel is her
masterpiece." He lays back against the pillow weak from the exertion
of speaking.

"What a wonderful dream, papa. But the smell is real. Mama just took
the strudel out of the oven to cool." "A miracle!" cries Moishe as he
tries to rise, and weakly falls against the pillows. He turns to his son and
says, "I`m still too weak to get up. Go to the kitchen and get for me a
piece of Sadie`s strudel."

The son obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his father`s
request, only to return a few moments later empty handed. He sits
again by his father`s side.

Moishe looks at him and says, "Nu? Where is the strudel?"
The son replies, "I`m sorry, papa. Mama says it`s for AFTER the funeral!"

A WARNING...

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he
dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to
get a divorce".

I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"

"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to
change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at
all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well,
enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to
invest in the stock market."

"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to
change you." I probed.

"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good
enough for me."

DOCTOR'S ADVICE...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,
the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is
in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably
had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his
stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10
months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

WHAT IS LOVE?

answered by children aged 5-10.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work
anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your
bedroom."
(Judy,8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten?nursery, I'm going to find me a wife".
(Tom,5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike,10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough money to buy her a
big ring and her own laptop, 'cause she'll want to have recordings of the
wedding."
(Jim,10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it
with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)

The GREAT DEBATE: BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED???

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them"
(Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with
how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan,9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the
rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want
to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary,7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them."
(Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street
is on."
(Anita,6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have
been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding
me."
(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have
tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava,8)

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of sweet shops."
(Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo,9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

Just see if the man picks up the bill. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
(John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get
cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Dave 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They
like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire."
(Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
showers at least once a day."
(Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."
(Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you...That's why I stopped doing it."
(Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom,7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."
(Roger,8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take
out the rubbish."
(Randy,8)

MEN YOU NEED TO READ THIS....

1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because
WE actually CHANGE our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in
combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the
toilet bowl.

3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're
watching because of the butts.

4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on
your payday.

5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say
after the movie.

6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than
once a day.

7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number
of baths that you take.

10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't
ask in bed.

11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the
number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.

12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track
of "who's easy?"

13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T
CARE!

14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life:
You'll never see the island coming.

15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond
that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.

SEVEN AGES OF THE MARRIAGE COLD...

1st year--The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."

2nd year--"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"

3rd year--"Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"

4th year--"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"

5th year--"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"

6th year--"You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"

7th year--"For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."

Tips For Older Love-makers...

1. Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 999/911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Two old women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think I didn't make it."

EMPLOYER'S LINGO

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

EMPLOYEE'S LINGO

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANISATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

HONEST ITS SO TRUE...

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.