TRANSLATING "MAN CODE"

The Male Code that Women Should Memorize!

"It's a guy thing."

Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"

Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."

Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."

Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."

Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."

Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."

Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."

Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."

Really means...."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."

Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Angelina Jolie..

"That's women's work."

Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"

Really means...."Both my room-mates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"You know how bad my memory is."

Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."

Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."

Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."

Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."

Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it."

Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"

Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of those rabid feminists."

Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you."

Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."

Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse."

"You look terrific."

Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."

"I brought you a present."

Really means...."It was a free ice scraper night at the football game."

"I missed you."

Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we
are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."

Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will
ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."

Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."

Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my car/friends and sport."

"I don't need to read the instructions."

Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without
printed help."

"I'll fix the waste disposal later."

Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a
new one."

DOCTOR'S ADVICE...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,
the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is
in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably
had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his
stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10
months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.