TOTALLY UNPC JOKES...

Q: What is the definition of suspicious??
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.

The husband said to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
"Okay," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes

Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? £3.00 a minute.

Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks Funny!

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You get to meet new people every day!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.

What is the similarity between a man and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you! 

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits in there!

Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.

What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is boning her.

Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!

What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)

What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!

What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home!

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.

THE INSPECTION...

A general is inspecting sick bay, during world war two. He visits three patients:
What is your name, soldier?
Jones, Sir.
Why are you in here?
Bleeding piles, sir.
What treatment are you receiving?
Wire brush and Dettol, sir.
Ambition?
To get out of here and back to the front, Sir!

The general moves on to the next bed.
What is your name,soldier.
Smith, Sir.
Why are you in here?
Gonorrhea, sir.
What treatment are you receiving?
Wire brush and Dettol, sir.
Ambition?
To get out of here and back to the front, Sir!

The general moves on to the final bed.
What is your name, soldier?
Williams, Sir.
Why are you in here?
Infected gums, Sir.
What treatment are you receiving?
Wire brush and Dettol, Sir.
Ambition?
To get the wire brush before Smith and Jones, Sir!

CLASSY LASS'Y....

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"

DOG V CAT

What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4) They growl when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to play.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They are great at begging.

8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

9) They leave their toys everywhere.

10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats.....

I AM THE BEAR....

YEP I'M GONNA BE A BEAR...

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear,everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear.

PORN LESSONS...

30 things you learn from porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with
sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy cummers.

11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo
in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl
isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes,the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you
shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to
remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
trousers and find a cock there.

29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand
firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on
his hip.

30. Dorky guys never have to beg.

IT'S A CURRY!

Inexperienced Curry Taster

Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These char o's are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

Judge One: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

Judge One: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge Two: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Frank: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

Judge One: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

Judge One: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge Two: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o's!

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

Judge One: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

Frank: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)