THE WHY'S OF LIFE...

WHY?????

It would suck if the world ended today because I would never have found out who let the dogs out.

The way to get to Sesame Street.

Why Dora doesn't just use Google maps.

Why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery".

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed.

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word.

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish washing liquid is made with real lemons.

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections.

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Where's that extra penny going to?

Why do you sit in the stands?

Why do you drive in a parkway but park in a driveway?

Does the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star have the same tune?

And why did you just try to sing those two previous songs?

And just what is Victoria's secret?

You see.... the world just has to keep going...

NAUGHTY WRINKLIES..

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

NIGHT OUT...

Two married men are out drinking! One says, " I can never sneak into my house after I've been out!

No matter how quiet I am, my wife still wakes and nags me"!

His friend replies,

" do what I do! Slam the front door, stamp up the stairs, jump into bed and slap her arse & say

" how about a blow job and some bum fun?" Bet she's fucking sleeping then "!

SILLY QUICKIES...

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me 'Oi, what's your disability mate?'

I said 'Tourettes, you wanker, now fuck off!'

My new German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten when we have sex.

Last night for example I shoved it right up her arse and she yelled "nien, nien!"

My best score yet..

I was laying next to my husband in bed last night and he whispered in my ear,

"did you know that sex can cure headaches?

"I looked at him and said,

"So can paracetamol and they last four hours"

Two policeman call the station on the radio...."Hello is that you Sarge?"

"YES" "I think we have a case here,a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just Mopped clean.."

"Have you Arrested her?"

"NO sir" the floor is still wet.."..

NORTHERN TRAITS :-)

GROWING UP NORTHERN

1. what's for tea mum..shit with sugar on.

2. Calling your mums mates Aunty, even though they are not related to you

3. "Turn the big light on"

4. Your gran not letting you wear a coat in the house so you will "feel" the benefit when you go outside

5. "That's it now, your either in or out"

6. Leaving the door open accidentally and getting "was you born in a barn"

7. Understanding how important gravy is in life

8. Getting the emergency chairs out when relatives are round

9. Telling people you are from Manchester when on holiday because it sounds better than where you actually live .

10. Your parents referring to Blackpool illuminations when lights are left on

11. It's spitting everybody in, everybody in it's spitting

12. It's acceptable to put ketchup and gravy on everything

13. Giving directions only using pubs

14. First one to see Blackpool tower gets a quid

15. Calling someone your cousin coz you have known them more than 5 years

16. Looking like Liam Gallagher coz you have listened to wonderwall a few times

17. Saying I swear down at the beginning of every sentence.

INSULTS FOR THE WELL MANNERED.....

1. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.

2. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.

3. May your mother come to talk to you, and then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you have to get up and close it.

4. May your article load that extra little bit as you’re about to click a link so you click an ad instead.

5. May both sides of your pillow be warm.

6. May you forever feel your mobile vibrating in the pocket it’s not even in.

7. May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.

8. May your life be as pleasant as you are.

9. May your chair produce a sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it to prove that it was just the chair.

10. May your five year old neighbor have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.

11. May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the chord isn’t plugged in the wall.

12. May your return calls always go unanswered, even though you literally just f*cking called me.. Jean (who is your friend who does this)

13. May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.

14. May your tea be too hot when you receive it, and too cold by the time you remember it’s there.

15. May your cookie always be slightly too large to fit inside your glass of milk.

16. May the pin of the bathroom stall never reach the lock to close the door.

17. May all your Facebook invites be game invites.

18. May you never be quite certain whether that pressure is a fart or poop.

19. May your spoon always slip and sink under the hot soup you eat.

20. May you never remember these curses when you try to.

GENESIS THE FORGOTTEN CHAPTER..

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question,

"Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know that I love you even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Garden and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And the cat didn't care one way or the other.