MATURITY ON THE INCREASE...

Conspiracy afoot against those of us of a mature nature :-)))

We Must Stop This Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier.

And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.

On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW ......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on-but the telephone! company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack!

SNAPPY ONE LINERS...

21 lines to make you smile from the archives :-)))

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

7.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

8.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

9.. Nightnurse, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

10.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

11.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

12. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

13.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

15. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

16.. Procrastinate Now!

17.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

18.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

19.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

20.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

21.. The original point and click tool was a Smith and Wesson.

FUNNIES

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried?

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting..

I was in the supermarket yesterday with my two trollies full of booze when a little old lady stood behind me in the queue.

She only had a pint of milk, so I said "Is that all you've got love?".

She replied "Yes",

so I did the decent thing and said.......

"If I was you I'd fuck off to another till, I'm gonna be ages"

I've just seen an umbrella fly past my fucking window. Oh well, R.I.P Mary Poppins.

Answering Machine Message :-

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call".

I have been making some Changes in my Life. Please leave a Message after the Beep".

If I Do Not Return Your Call, Unfortunately, You Were One of the Changes."..

An Australian Love Poem

(An Aussie Valentine).
I am moving to Aussie if men love women like this describes me to a t lol

love the humour xxx

Of course I love ya darlin
You’re a bloody top-notch bird

And when I say you’re gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don’t mind a bit of flab

It means that when I’m ready
There’s somethin there to grab

So your belly isn’t flat no more
I tell ya, I don’t care

So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts

Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I’m tellin’ ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy
That you’ve got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna’s grave now
The moment that we met

I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I’ll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the footballs’ on
And fetch another beer.

BRO CODE :-)

The Bro Code is an essential friendship etiquette (Guy Code Law) to be followed among men or, more specifically, among members of the bro subculture. Bro code is a guideline to live by between Bro’s.

You must always have your bro’s back. No exceptions.

If a bro dies while lifting, put more weight on the bar, and then call 999.

Shotgun is a responsibility, not a privilege. If you are sitting up front, you’re not a passenger, you’re the co-pilot.

Don’t throw a friend under the bus to impress someone. Ever.

When offered a beer, accept it even if it’s not your brand." Your favorite brand of beer is "free." Your second favorite is "cold."

If friend with truck assists you with moving, you shall reciprocate with a full tank of gas. Beer and pizza also accepted.

If your bro dies, delete his Internet history.

Be polite around your buddy’s lady friend, but when he asks what you think, lay the truth on him like a ten ton slab.

Unless it is super busy, there must always be a one urinal buffer between men in a restroom.

If you shake with a limp hand, you are acknowledging non-verbally to me that I’m in charge, even if we’ve just met.

When your bro’s girlfriend enquires about his whereabouts you know nothing, always.

If you and buddy are having a threesome with a girl, you can’t look each other in the eyes. But if you happen to accidentally look each other in the eyes, you have to high five!

The three-person concept of watching adult videos: One guy watching adult videos is cool. Three guys watching adult videos is cool. Two guys watching adult videos, not cool.

All groceries go from the vehicle to the house in one trip. It does not matter how many bags there are.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

There are specific rules to the "head nod" when greeting another male. If you know them nod up, if you don’t you nod down.

PURR-LITICAL CORRECTNESS...

Purr-litical Correctness

In the state of political correctness, nobody is a "liar" they are simply "verbally superfluous".
No one is a "housekeeper," they are "domestic engineers." See how we can apply this "game" to the many activities of our cats:

My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.

My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.

My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.

My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.

My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.

My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.

My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.

My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.

My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.

My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.

My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.

My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.

My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.

My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.

My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).

TRUISMS TO MAKE YOU SMILE...

I don't have a dirty mind...
Its a sexy imagination...

What doesn't kill you fucks you up mentally :-)))

Wish I lived in a world where mosquito's sucked fat instead of blood..

If you say your cooler then me, does that mean I am hotter then you?

Everyone is getting into relationships! Me I can't even find my other slipper...

When angry count to 10, then throw a punch at 8 no one expects that :-)

Inner beauty is great, but a little mascara doesn't hurt.

Yeah I have made mistakes but life nor me come with a instruction manual...

An apple a day keeps everyone away if you throw it hard enough :-))

My number 1 favourite

I didn't fart, my arse loves you so much it blew you a kiss :-)))))