CYBERING

As all of you are well aware, online computers are often used to engage in cyber sex. Detailed and erotic fantasies are typed into the computer to be instantly transmitted over the Internet.

Sometimes these harmless fantasies become fairly raunchy. This is not the case with the following transcript of an on-line cyber sex session. It is reported to be true conversation but I have not been able to determine the original source.

If it is true, either this guy is clueless or has the greatest sense of humour known to mankind. ___________________________________________________ __

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am tan and very buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Asda. I'm also wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my night-stand. I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now, I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm sliding it softly off.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's, OK. It wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. Ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung: running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm aching for you lover.

Wellhung: Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait it's dark, I'm lost. Where is the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take your glasses off?

Wellhung: OK. But I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I just realised I peed in your hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth. I can't wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.

Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed, I'm putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I'm pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off......

YODELING THE ORIGIN...

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to stay. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out .....
"LAIDTHEOLDLADEEEETOO"

WHY WHY WHY DELILAH

I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window

I saw her standing there alone dressed up in her smalls

She was a stunner.

Putting my hand in my pocket I tickled my balls

My ,My, My, Delilah, Why, Why, Why, Delilah

I could see that girl was so good for me

She was in there and I was sat up in her tree

At break of day I was still in that tree and awaiting

She got out of bed and walked the length of the floor

Off came her nightie

Kicking off her panties she entered the bathroom door

My, My, My, Delilah, Why, Why, Why, Delilah

I could see her sitting having a pee

Oh how I wished I had her front door key

Then she opened the blinds and gave me a smile and a wave

Giving a full frontal I fell out of that tree

She was not a woman

A dick and a pair of bollocks was all I could see

Why, Why, Why, Delilah, My, My, My, Delilah

So before I come to kick down your door

Hold onto your goolies or you won't see them no more !!!!!

Copyright; Topoke

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and
asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he
goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and
experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is
work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:
a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other
words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question,
then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so
many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have
the maid do it."

WHALE REVENGE...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.".

THE TOWEL...

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors.

After tests the doctor suggest Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex.

Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex.
After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap.

I'll fuck her and you waft the towel.

Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and say's

"and that my friend is how you waft a fucking towel!"

AN ENGLISH MAN & AN IRISH MAN

An Irishman, an Englishman and Megan Fox were sitting together in a carriage in a train.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Megan Fox and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, "The Irish fella must have kissed Megan Fox and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Megan Fox was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

And the Irishman was thinking, "This is fucking great.

The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English fucker again."

DATING BDSM STYLE

Thanks to Mistress Georgina for finding this and also thanks to Majistar for allowing us to copy and post it....

Under consideration -- we're dating
I've been released -- he dumped me
24/7 -- a relationship (probably live-in)
I am a true dom/sub -- you're a phony if you aren't just like me
He's a wannabe -- I'm acting like I'm part of the "in" crowd, but that's because I'm hoping you won't see that I'm really a wannabe
You aren't sub enough -- I can't handle a gal with a mind of her own without resorting to cheap manipulation
I have a mentor/protector -- he's got a knight in shining armor kink and gets off on playing "dom lite"
I'm real -- I'm crazy so I hope this convinces you that all the goofy stuff I've said has its place on planet earth
submission is a gift -- I'm waiting for Prince Charming to come riding up to me in a carriage drawn by pink unicorns
IS THIS YOU?? (follows a description of a fantasy mate) -- Are you so stupid or desperate that you take me seriously?
I will bend you to my will –- I am insane
I am a bratty sub –- I am a pain in the ass
I am a submissive with slave tendencies -- pick me because I'm pretending to be subbier (or better) than a regular submissive.
I am seeking my One -- someone out there has dysfunctions which are compatible with mine
I have 20 years experience in the lifestyle -- I hope you'll be impressed by the few things I learned 20 years ago because I haven't learned anything since
I seek a master to teach me -- I dropped out of high school
I am a trainer of sluts -- I'm looking for girls who will believe they are being "trained" when I order them to blow me
training -- getting to know ya
I'm trained -- I will drive you nuts doing exactly what my last master wanted
I am a 24/7 slave, online only -- I am a bored housewife
I'm strict but fair -- I'm always right, you're always wrong, and I'll beat you whenever you’re right and I don’t want to admit it

What they say Verses What they mean in personal ads:

Spiritual: Will say anything to have sex with you
Seeing what is out there: Cheating on a girlfriend or spouse (or both)
Slightly older: Buys Viagra in bulk
Looking for a friend: Wants sex on the first date
Lets get to know each other: Wants fuck buddy
Bored with: Tired of jerking off
Artist: Jobless, crashing on friends couch
Open minded: Wants anal sex on first date
Handsome: Bald
Soulful: Long winded and dull
Long term relationship: Desperate and lonely
No Games: Anticipate Drama
Fun Loving: Get used to lots of farting and burping
I like to spoil you with…..: Stalker
Tantric gentleman: Middle aged and frequently naked
Normal guy here: Lacks any sexual ability whatsoever
Looking for more: Hookers stopped returning his calls
Adventurous: Owns insane amounts of porn
New to the area: Drifter wanting free sex
Available: Horny and desperate
Creative: Will let you buy dinner
Nice looking: Serial Killer
Looking for a connection: I need your vagina for three minutes
Athletic: Jerks off at his own reflection frequently
Fit: Scrawny
Dedicated: Has no life wants to invade yours
Entrepreneur: Unemployed
Ready for a fresh start: Hiding from law enforcement
Honest: Lacks any discretion
Fun: Has numerous fetishes
Respectful: Pussy Whipped
Down to earth: Will bore you to tears
Successful: Overly self important

Intelligent: Pompous
Sensual and caring: Will fixate on rubbing your breasts endlessly
Average guy: Short and balding
Discreet= please, pretty please, don't tell on me
Race, sex, age unimportant = just something to stop the masturbation
Intelligent - can spell own name correctly (most of the time)
Caring - has 20 cats
Sociable - has multiple personalities on Second Life
Will encourage your hobbies - wants weekends free for gaming conventions
Loves kids - convicted pedophile
Considered handsome - by his mother
Financially secure - tightwad
Looking for love - didn't find it with his four ex-wives
Neat and tidy - irons his underwear/borderline OCD

A REAL MAN...

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Never mind.

WARNING TO ALL WRINKLIES...

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their Kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, this kind of Cruel theft is happening with other body parts as well!

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I Went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just That quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living Out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again!

My Butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took Pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with Earlier, but my new butt was attached at least three inches lower Than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor Of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I Was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper Arms swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was Really getting scarey- my body was being replaced one section at a time.

What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a Turkey neck, I decided to tell my story.

Women of the world, wake Up and smell the coffee! Those "plastic" surgeons are using REAL Replacement body parts -stolen from you and me!
The next time Someone you know has something "lifted,” look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere, every Night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying In bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was Relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I Slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband....

THOUGHT WE WOULD HAVE A SMILE TODAY :-) XXXXXX

AGE OLD QUESTION

I mowed the lawn yesterday and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
of nice cold beers.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the whatsits ?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the whatsits.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the whatsits is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the whatsits "
I rest my case.

TRUE FRIENDSHIP

Do you want to find out who is truly your real friend?

This really works !!!

If you don't believe me, just try this little experiment.

Put your wife/husband/partner and your dog in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?

TERRORISTS BEWARE

Take all the British/American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across the Western world and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding terrorists in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Christmas dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

THE PASTORS ASS

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £20.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR £20.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.

Be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

MAN TRUTHS!!!!

In 1814 women had no rights.
In 1914 women fought for some rights.
In 2014 women are always fucking right...

CAN'T POST IN HUMOUR CORNER SO GOING TO PUT IT HERE

Scientists have revealed that sperm helps hair grow,That explains why men have hairy knuckles, but its has got me wondering about my nan's moustache.

TIS ANOTHER XMAS FUNNY

Reposted with kind permission from merwench... (don't think on this site)

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ranch,
Not a creature was stirring, and it wasn't by chance.

The wench was strung up by the chimney with care,
Hoping her dear Master soon would be there.

The critters were nestled all warm on their rugs,
The wench was still waiting, tied snug as a bug.

Then into the room there swept her dear Master.
He threw down his coat, and she heard evil laughter.

"I've been busy shopping," he said with a leer.
"I've brought lots of toys to give bad girls good cheer."

Then out of a black velvet bag he did pull
A whole bunch of toys to make happy her Yule!

A flogger, a paddle, a crop, and a whip,
A St. Andrew's cross, some clothespins to zip,

A collar locked up with a padlock quite tight,
And leather restraints that would hold her just right,

Nipple clamps, suction cups, speculums too,
A Wartenberg wheel, and mint-flavored lube,

Some candles, some ropes, a new cupping set,
A new leather harness that made her quite wet,

A blindfold, a gag, a new spanking bench,
And finally a bunny-fur mitt for the wench.

The Master approached her, his eyes all a-twinkle,
And asked, "My dear wench, how's this little wrinkle?

"I'll tie you, I'll flog you, I'll pinch and I'll tickle,
"I'll have so much fun, putting you in a pickle!"

The wench, she was speechless, her legs had gone weak,
As she dreamed of his hand going "smack!" on her cheeks.

Her eyes cast submissively down to the floor,
She was ready to answer when in through the door

Came another, dressed up in a red velvet suit,
With eight tiny reindeer in close, hot pursuit.

"What is this?" the new one, old Santa, he asked.
His eyebrow arched knowingly, slapping her ass.

"You perverts! You freaks! Is this Christmas to you?
"You've forgotten some of my favorite tools!"

Then out of his bag he pulled two more toys,
Sure to bring pleasure to girls and to boys:

A full bondage harness, made just for suspension,
A swing to go with it, that got her attention!

Then back through the door old Santa did go,
And merwench and Master once more were alone.

"It's playtime," said Master, his eyes all aglint,
As he started to fasten a clamp to her clit.

She moaned, she sighed, she thrashed and she wriggled,
And out in the yard she heard Santa giggle.

Then Santa exclaimed, as their house he was leaving,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Beating!"

Merry Christmas from merwench & her darling Master!!
© merwench 2001
Use OK with attribution

Have posted here as l want to make sure if its used elsewhere on the site that the full credit goes to the original author. I have come across too many funny jokes make K&P and the original author not given the credit due to them...

T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS BDSM STYLE

JUST TO GET YOU IN THE MOOD FOR CHRISTMAS ...

Posted to alt.torture by rainbird@praxis.net (poenkitten) on 11-12-1997

Have tried as always to get in touch with the original poster tried the email got returned

IF THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR IS ON THIS SITE PLEASE DO POINT ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION...

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
The Masters were spanking their Frauleins and Fraus,
Mistress and Switch in Black Leather and Chains
Were chastising their subbies with paddles and canes

When down in the Dungeon there came such a clatter
I jumped from my chair to see what was the matter
Jumped up, tripped over, and fell on my face
Forgot that my Domme had just lashed me in place!

Away to the window I made a mad dash
Threw open the window, felt the cool on my ass
And then thru the smoke and the snow and the swirls
Came a rusty old sleigh drawn by twelve pony girls

With bells on their nipples and stripes on their asses
They pulled and they strained, those twelve little lasses
The drunken old driver stood holding his dick
I knew by the "red nose" that this was old Nick

Slower than snails his chargers they came
And he whipped and he flailed as he called them by name
"Come karen and Janet and Anna and Tammy
Pull the sleigh on or I'll paddle your fanny

And Connie and Jo and Bradley and Jilly
With your blazing red asses you look somewhat silly
Susan and Tom and Brian and Kay
You bend yourselves over..its floggings today"

Up on the roof, he went, stumbled and fell
And down the chimney he came screaming like hell
He staggered and stumbled and fell out the door
Tripped over a flogger we'd left on the floor

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
Merry Christmas you kinksters...and to all a GOOD NIGHT

LIFE IN ALL ITS GLORY.

This Kind of Stuff Has Got To Stop In Our Country

We Must Stop This Immediately! This Kind of Stuff Has Got To Stop In Our Country

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper?

Groceries are heavier.

And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become!

This extension work was apparently done at night!! Very sneaky stuff.

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters.

They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.

On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.

I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. This cannot be me

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........ Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them.

All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large'? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking to my house and messing around with my computer. Probably MI5....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?

YEP TIS AN AGE THING XXX

Author unknown if anyone comes across the original please let me know so l can credit them unless they have forgotten they have wrote it!!

JUST FOR FUN FOR US OLDIES BUT GOODIES.......

SO HOW MANY OF THESE WILL YOU ADMIT TOO :-)

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Your back goes out, but you stay home.

When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

When happy hour is a nap.

When you're on vacation, and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time
.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.