TIS ANOTHER XMAS FUNNY

Reposted with kind permission from merwench... (don't think on this site)

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ranch,
Not a creature was stirring, and it wasn't by chance.

The wench was strung up by the chimney with care,
Hoping her dear Master soon would be there.

The critters were nestled all warm on their rugs,
The wench was still waiting, tied snug as a bug.

Then into the room there swept her dear Master.
He threw down his coat, and she heard evil laughter.

"I've been busy shopping," he said with a leer.
"I've brought lots of toys to give bad girls good cheer."

Then out of a black velvet bag he did pull
A whole bunch of toys to make happy her Yule!

A flogger, a paddle, a crop, and a whip,
A St. Andrew's cross, some clothespins to zip,

A collar locked up with a padlock quite tight,
And leather restraints that would hold her just right,

Nipple clamps, suction cups, speculums too,
A Wartenberg wheel, and mint-flavored lube,

Some candles, some ropes, a new cupping set,
A new leather harness that made her quite wet,

A blindfold, a gag, a new spanking bench,
And finally a bunny-fur mitt for the wench.

The Master approached her, his eyes all a-twinkle,
And asked, "My dear wench, how's this little wrinkle?

"I'll tie you, I'll flog you, I'll pinch and I'll tickle,
"I'll have so much fun, putting you in a pickle!"

The wench, she was speechless, her legs had gone weak,
As she dreamed of his hand going "smack!" on her cheeks.

Her eyes cast submissively down to the floor,
She was ready to answer when in through the door

Came another, dressed up in a red velvet suit,
With eight tiny reindeer in close, hot pursuit.

"What is this?" the new one, old Santa, he asked.
His eyebrow arched knowingly, slapping her ass.

"You perverts! You freaks! Is this Christmas to you?
"You've forgotten some of my favorite tools!"

Then out of his bag he pulled two more toys,
Sure to bring pleasure to girls and to boys:

A full bondage harness, made just for suspension,
A swing to go with it, that got her attention!

Then back through the door old Santa did go,
And merwench and Master once more were alone.

"It's playtime," said Master, his eyes all aglint,
As he started to fasten a clamp to her clit.

She moaned, she sighed, she thrashed and she wriggled,
And out in the yard she heard Santa giggle.

Then Santa exclaimed, as their house he was leaving,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Beating!"

Merry Christmas from merwench & her darling Master!!
© merwench 2001
Use OK with attribution

Have posted here as l want to make sure if its used elsewhere on the site that the full credit goes to the original author. I have come across too many funny jokes make K&P and the original author not given the credit due to them...

T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS BDSM STYLE

JUST TO GET YOU IN THE MOOD FOR CHRISTMAS ...

Posted to alt.torture by rainbird@praxis.net (poenkitten) on 11-12-1997

Have tried as always to get in touch with the original poster tried the email got returned

IF THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR IS ON THIS SITE PLEASE DO POINT ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION...

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
The Masters were spanking their Frauleins and Fraus,
Mistress and Switch in Black Leather and Chains
Were chastising their subbies with paddles and canes

When down in the Dungeon there came such a clatter
I jumped from my chair to see what was the matter
Jumped up, tripped over, and fell on my face
Forgot that my Domme had just lashed me in place!

Away to the window I made a mad dash
Threw open the window, felt the cool on my ass
And then thru the smoke and the snow and the swirls
Came a rusty old sleigh drawn by twelve pony girls

With bells on their nipples and stripes on their asses
They pulled and they strained, those twelve little lasses
The drunken old driver stood holding his dick
I knew by the "red nose" that this was old Nick

Slower than snails his chargers they came
And he whipped and he flailed as he called them by name
"Come karen and Janet and Anna and Tammy
Pull the sleigh on or I'll paddle your fanny

And Connie and Jo and Bradley and Jilly
With your blazing red asses you look somewhat silly
Susan and Tom and Brian and Kay
You bend yourselves over..its floggings today"

Up on the roof, he went, stumbled and fell
And down the chimney he came screaming like hell
He staggered and stumbled and fell out the door
Tripped over a flogger we'd left on the floor

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
Merry Christmas you kinksters...and to all a GOOD NIGHT

LIFE IN ALL ITS GLORY.

This Kind of Stuff Has Got To Stop In Our Country

We Must Stop This Immediately! This Kind of Stuff Has Got To Stop In Our Country

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper?

Groceries are heavier.

And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become!

This extension work was apparently done at night!! Very sneaky stuff.

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters.

They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.

On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.

I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. This cannot be me

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........ Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them.

All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large'? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking to my house and messing around with my computer. Probably MI5....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?

YEP TIS AN AGE THING XXX

Author unknown if anyone comes across the original please let me know so l can credit them unless they have forgotten they have wrote it!!

JUST FOR FUN FOR US OLDIES BUT GOODIES.......

SO HOW MANY OF THESE WILL YOU ADMIT TOO :-)

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Your back goes out, but you stay home.

When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

When happy hour is a nap.

When you're on vacation, and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time
.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

BOTTOM TOOTING..

THIS IS DOING THE ROUNDS ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND ITS JUST TOO FUNNY NOT TO SHARE (come on ladies how many of you been in this situation)

My sister in law posted this and found it hysterical and thought you might also.
This is definitely one story you must read and pass on. Especially if you need a good laugh:

Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history.

Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him.

Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry.

Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks.

Then I realized

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.

HOW DO YOU TELL A MAN YOU JUST STARTED DATING, THAT THE REASON YOU ARE WRITHING IN PAIN IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FART.

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.

“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out.

The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door.

However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it.

Maybe I’m home free.

Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “am I smelling something?” sort of way.

More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!”

“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …”

then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes.

Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids,

“Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.

“Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably.

I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

“Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?”

“Get away from the door!” I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.

“Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

toot toot splatter ungodly noise

“I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”

“Okay, are you sure you’re …”

“I’m fine! Get away from the door!”

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this … “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.

WITTY COMMENTS

Noël Coward "I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere."


"At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his date."
 Edith Massey in "Polyester"

"Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will look ridiculous year after year."
 Fred Allen

"She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees."
 Joan Rivers

"She's been on more laps than a napkin."
 Walter Winchell

She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
 Ada Leverson

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."
 Oliver Herford

"Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman."
 Maryon Pearson

lt seems to be that giving Clive Barnes his CBE for services to the theatre is a bit like giving Goering the DFC for services to the RAF. Alan Bennett on the drama critic for the New York Times.

During the overture you hoped it would be good. During the first number you hoped it would be good. After that you just hoped it would be over. Walter Kerr

JUST A SMALL SELECTION OF SOME RATHER WITTY REMARKS.

RULES OF LIFE

Great and mysterious rules of life

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40; if it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologise" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her, believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles: Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now?" How about one month? One week? One day?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. Be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

14. Don't be an idiot.

15. Never trust women who can't put their lipstick on straight. They are invariably crazy.

16. Know your way home.

17. Don't talk to yourself.

18. Closets make good sleeping - if you like being sore the next day.

19. If you like the music, dance.

20. You'll feel better if you throw up.

21. No matter how certain you might be of any given situation, there is invariably another creature who will teach you the meaning of certainty.

22. Never try to take apart a computer with a monkey wrench.

23. Learn to say "Where is the nude beach?" in at least three languages.

24. Do not use your work laptop while eating Cereal..

25. Children do not want clothes for birthday gifts.(unless designer and there choice)

26. Running into your wife's gynecologist at Tesco is awkward. Somewhat surprisingly, you won't have much to talk about.

27. He who makes a beast of himself takes away the pain of being a man.

28. If you talk to yourself (see 17), don't answer in a different voice, it tends to spook those around you.

29. Don't hit your own head.

30. Even though it doesn't appear it to us, everyone considers themselves an above average driver.

31. don£t trtry to type stufff whebn yu are reallly"yy drunk....

32 No matter how socially inept you think you are, you're still a lot more fun to be around than a muppet...

33. One good turn gets most of the duvet...
.
34. One day you can get screwed out of what is rightfully yours, the next day you may become world renowned and respected just for being yourself (See Ozzy Osbourne).

35. Carrot sticks and bleu cheese vegetable dip lead to multiple instances of explosive diarrhea.

36. He who hesitates is lost.

37. Schizophrenia means never having to be alone.

38. Everybody needs a good ass kicking now and again.

39. Early bird gets the worm.

40. Forks fairly fly when you serve corn-sausage pie.

41. Avoid all so-called "vegetarian" options at fast-food burger joints, lest thou be hunched over for a good portion of the night muttering incoherently about "food poisoning" as your intestines try to leap up and strangle your stomach, causing the worst cramping possible this side of labour pains.

42. Fart jokes never stop being funny.

43. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

44. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

45. Have your own sense of style.

46. As with all things, this too shall pass.

47. It's not so bad because it could always be worse.

48. "Accept."

49. Pet a dog.

50. It's a small world after all.

51. Men are people too.

52. No great music was ever made on a Flying V guitar.

53. Everything that can possibly happen, will happen.

54. A tongue stud is no excuse not to learn to do it right.

55. Cry once in a while, it's cathartic. If you need to hide from others to do so, then do, but still cry.

56. Follow it up with a beer/phone call with a friend who laughs a lot.

57. Eat cheese, it is marvelous tasting and, purportedly, scrubs your teeth.

58. When you see a little kid in the store, make a fart noise with your mouth. They laugh every time.

59. Splurge on toilet paper.

60. Lay in the grass and watch the bugs crawl around.
60a. (Optional) Squash them.

61. Positive to positive, negative to negative, ground to ground.

62. Beggars CAN be choosers.

63. Monkeys cheat at monopoly.

64. Chances are, you won't refill your popcorn.

65. If someone tells you, "You're dreaming, pal!" kick them in the shin. It's okay, because after all, it's a dream.

66. Never rub another man's rhubarb!

67. Don't buy live lobsters from Walmart.

68. There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are more than two ways to serve it.

69. There are 68 things before 69, but of course none of them will be remembered.

70. You will not get rich quick with online schemes.

71. First one up gets the paper. And makes the coffee.

72. Cheesy fantasy movies have at least one Queen track in them.

73. Always check to see if there is anyone else in a public bathroom when you enter.

74. If someone else enters, cough to let them know you are there. If not, you may have to listen to something you didn't intend.

74a. The Sacred Buffer Corollary: When in a public bathroom, never take the urinal/stall directly adjacent to another user/jockey. When you are the first settler, never take the middle facility. Respect the Sacred Buffer.

75. Know someone who gives good foot massages.

76. Lyle Lovett is better heard than seen.

77. Even when you know there is nobody there, dark, long hallways are creepy
.
78. Never trust a person who has a lugubrious countenance.

79. Never trust a person who has a smirking countenance.

80. Never tie a yellow ribbon round the old guy at the bus stop.

81. Never make a web page that needs binoculars to be read.

82. You can never teach an old dog new tricks, unless it involves food..

83. A jar full of candy on the desk is a great way to start a new job.

OLD SEX TIPS

Tips For Older Love-makers...

1. Put your glasses on. Double check that you're with the right partner.

2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Finally a little funny to end it all :-)))

Two old women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think I didn't make it."