MILITARY PERSONEL

FOR THE AMERICAN READERS BUT MAYBE ITS A TIMELY REMINDER FOR US ALL
PLEASE STICK WITH IT BOTH AMUSING BUT ALSO RELEVANT....

RULES FOR NON MILITARY PERSONNEL...

I do feel this is relevant for many countries and although it is an old one it still has meaning for millions of people especially military personnel in so many countries around the world.

So regardless of your belief's your politics the Military should always be supported because they need to put any political/religious believes to protect us from those who would take our right away to have them.

Dear Civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance:

1) The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem... kick their ass.

2) When you witness first hand someone burning the American Flag in protest... kick their ass.

3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and
explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.

4) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing camouflage, telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kicking (children are exempt).

6) If you witness someone calling the U.S. Coast Guard non military, inform them of their mistake... and kick their ass.

7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not ablooper... it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.

8) Next time Old Glory goes by during a parade, get on yourdamn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the
military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her... of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking.

9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. Just mention her nomination for "Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked.

10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. The President is our Commander in Chief regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)

11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me. If she did, she would most likely be a vet and, therefore, could kick your ass!

12)Terrorists are not communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where they all are!!!! Crystalballs are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me ... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know, so I can go kick their ass.

13) Flyboy (Air Force), Jar Head (Marines), Grunt (Army),Squid (Navy), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Doing so will get your ass kicked.

14) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families.

Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of sailors and troops far from home wishing they could be with their families.

Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.

"It is the soldier, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press.

It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.

It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.

It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag."

(Authored by:) Father Dennis Edward O'Brien, Sergeant, USMC

Some of the younger ones will be going "who?" some people who have been mentioned well google is your best friend...

MY FAVOURITE MEME SAYINGS

Rise? If I Must, Shine? Ain't Fuckin Happening!!!!

You say "hangover" me I say " Beer flu"

Don't you wish some people would start using glue instead of lipstick?

I love sleep, its only when I am awake my life starts to fall apart!!

Men say that women should come with instructions. What's the point of that? Have you ever seen a man actually read the instructions?

"Latte" Italian for you have paid way too much for that coffee....

I'm not saying your stupid, I'm just saying that you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

Just been diagnosed with N.C.D.
No Can Do!!

At my rolling out of bed is easy.. Its getting off the floor that is the problem!!!

Sometimes I think "screw this" I'll just be a stripper!"
Then I remember I am fat and can't dance...

the one that I like the best tonight is drum roll please, bet you are getting all giddy waiting for it, I know I get giddy when I have to wait for it :-))

And finally here it is that pinnacle of memes

Wrinkles mean you laughed, grey hair means you cared and scars mean you lived...

GIRL TALK...

Sounds pretty accurate...

Two women are chatting in office

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light f@8%king candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

“Fifty Shades of Grey”

The missus bought a Paperback
down Dymocks, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

COLONOSCOPY

It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.

His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining r oom.
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me, I sat down.
While waiting, I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer

When Dr. Putz finally came in I said"Look Doc", I'm a little confuse this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, & I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse,

"Damn it, Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

TRUMP THIS :-)))

Take all the British/American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturiser with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Syria, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men with beards  tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. 

We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across the Western world and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Syria or any other dry place with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding the enemy  will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of various muslims in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Christmas dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. Isis and other fractions hate women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

10 Things not to say....

to girlfriends parents xxx

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times. 

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable, in my opinion.

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.