MY FAVOURITE MEME SAYINGS

Rise? If I Must, Shine? Ain't Fuckin Happening!!!!

You say "hangover" me I say " Beer flu"

Don't you wish some people would start using glue instead of lipstick?

I love sleep, its only when I am awake my life starts to fall apart!!

Men say that women should come with instructions. What's the point of that? Have you ever seen a man actually read the instructions?

"Latte" Italian for you have paid way too much for that coffee....

I'm not saying your stupid, I'm just saying that you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

Just been diagnosed with N.C.D.
No Can Do!!

At my rolling out of bed is easy.. Its getting off the floor that is the problem!!!

Sometimes I think "screw this" I'll just be a stripper!"
Then I remember I am fat and can't dance...

the one that I like the best tonight is drum roll please, bet you are getting all giddy waiting for it, I know I get giddy when I have to wait for it :-))

And finally here it is that pinnacle of memes

Wrinkles mean you laughed, grey hair means you cared and scars mean you lived...

GIRL TALK...

Sounds pretty accurate...

Two women are chatting in office

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light f@8%king candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

“Fifty Shades of Grey”

The missus bought a Paperback
down Dymocks, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

COLONOSCOPY

It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.

His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining r oom.
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me, I sat down.
While waiting, I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer

When Dr. Putz finally came in I said"Look Doc", I'm a little confuse this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, & I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse,

"Damn it, Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT!"

TRUMP THIS :-)))

Take all the British/American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturiser with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Syria, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men with beards  tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. 

We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across the Western world and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Syria or any other dry place with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding the enemy  will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of various muslims in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Christmas dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. Isis and other fractions hate women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

10 Things not to say....

to girlfriends parents xxx

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times. 

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable, in my opinion.

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

GYMS AND THE MORBIDLY OBESE..

What don't you see at any gym across the land? Yep you rarely if ever see anyone who is seriously overweight.
We are constantly being told that we need to move and exercise but have you any real idea how depressing it is for a obese person in a gym? Have you any concept how it can and does makes you feel  about yourself, how it makes you run to your bolt hole to hide and start that awful downward spiral.

Do all you gym bunnies have any idea how a lot of you come across to someone like me, do you stop and think how unfriendly a gym can be to someone like me.

Oh initially the instructors talk the talk but once they have your money then its on to the next  punter.  But the worse thing is that you get ignored, you don't get the encouragement that you need to continue to go.

Someone who is morbidly obese has serious self esteem issues and to even enter a gym takes courage and then to be faced with a sea of toned bodies is daunting.

We do need that extra attention, we do need that extra encouragement, we do need that extra kind word, we need support we need to feel that we aren't being laughed or stared at for our size, or that people are thinking "yeah will come a couple of times and then give up"

Why do we give up? Because we feel isolated we feel alone as most of the time we will be the only one of our size there we will feel that we stand out like a sore thumb.

How many of the gyms have one piece of equipment for the morbidly obese that they can use without feeling that they will break it?

How many gyms actually promote themselves to the morbidly obese?

Most gyms are about staying fit, toning up or just losing a few pounds, they are not geared up or knowledgeable enough to deal with the really overweight.

I have yet to see one gym actually do an open day geared towards the morbidly obese, or classes tailored to the needs of the morbidly obese.

Have any of you gym owners ever approached your  local clinic and offered free mentoring/membership to someone who could really do with the help?

See when your morbidly obese chances are you aren't working which means things like going to the gym are beyond there means, but again they need someone to help motivate them and that sadly is missing.

To be honest from what l have seen when it comes to gyms they don't seem to put much back into the fat community from which they make there living.