Does the sex count!!!!

DOES THE SEX REALLY COUNT?

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list
of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on
your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day it doesn't
count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex it doesn't
count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm it doesn't count.

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share.

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for
this," it doesn't count.

7. An old flame doesn't count.

8. An ex-spouse doesn't count. Refer to this as a "pity f*ck."

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not
sex.

10. Cybersex - no way! This is glorified masturbation.

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex.

12. Kissing is not cheating.

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex,
but only if you do not know their significant other.

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count.

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other,
doesn't count. This should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family
closet."

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it
was fun right?).

17. Phone sex, doesn't count. Refer back to "glorified masturbation".

18. In a car doesn't count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and
has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not
to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1.

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not
achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count.

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been
exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count.

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not
considered to be intimate).

22. An act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count.

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count. This
should be referred to as "being neighborly."

24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with
your significant other doesn't count.

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count. This
should be considered a "fuck friend."

26. Sex does count if a pregnancy results!

microsoft

One of Microsoft's finest tech's was drafted and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.
He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target
area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The
Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He
looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his
finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with
his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled
toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must
be at your end!"

tech help

I had to call Technical Support the other day and had to respond to their question regarding my level of computer competency: Expert ~ intermediate ~ novice? I always respond with 'intermediate', but after reading the following responses, I think they should add one more category - lower than novice!

1. Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: Um it's grey... nearly white.. ah yes its a PC

2. Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..." Customer: No ~ wait a minute..got it . .I hadn't inserted it...it's still on my desk... Sorry....

3. Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left?

4. Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!

5. Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...

6. Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................Thank you.

7. Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

8. Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: I don't know. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: Okay. Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes. Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

9. Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital or small letters?

10, A customer couldn't get on the Internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars.

11. Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

12. Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

13. Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

porn teachings

30 things you learn from porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with
sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy cummers.

11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo
in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl
isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes,the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you
shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to
remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
trousers and find a cock there.
29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand
firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on
his hip.

30. Dorky guys never have to beg

SUPERB HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the crisps and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10 (right on son - you got it)

Jelly baby goes to the doctors, He sits down before the doctor and the doc says to him "what are you doing here your a jelly baby!" jelly baby replies "Doc its like this l have got a dose," the doc peers over his glasses and asks "what do you mean you have a dose, your a jelly baby?" The jelly baby answers "now look here doc l am telling you l have the clap!" The doc stutters "but but your a bloody jelly baby how the hell did you get the clap" To which the jelly baby replied and its so obvious

"Doc l've been f**king alsorts!"

THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED (this is of course written by a man)

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak in whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date.If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

our wonderful Britain

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END

DOG V CAT

Thought this was funny sorry if you have heard it all before....

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a
mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this
would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I
am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about
what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

This morning I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of
my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that
the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe. For now...

Cat

drugged xxx

To Parents who drugged us!!!!

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Crack lab had
been found in an old farmhouse and asked
me a rhetorical question. Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and
I were growing up?" I replied, "I had a drug problem when I was young:

I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for
weddings and funerals.

I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the
weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

I was also drug to the shed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie,
brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of
the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in
everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I
uttered a profanity.

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cut the
grass..

I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out
Some poor soul who had no one to mow the lawn repair the clothesline, or
go to the shops and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single
penny as
a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the shed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in
everything
I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin;
and,
if today's children had this kind of drug problem, our country would be a
better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us!"

ARSY!!!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,'
where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by


Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb arse

sex drive

Sex Drive 2010 I have run across the term cyber sex a few times lately so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere. in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/ uninstall software and the install hardware part of the control panel. Then I got out all the manuals and also went through them.

I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one so I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one.

The salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking man. I gave him the make and model of my computer and asked him if he had any sex drives in stock. He kind of scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with him. I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone. He said, rather rudely I thought, that he couldn't help me and walked away. He must not have had any in stock.

In the second store I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked it they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him Yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed. He started laughing at me and said something about me trying to kill him. Lady you're killing me! or something like that, and walked away. I assumed that they must be out here too. Must be a hard item to keep in stock.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck in my life but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something like that explains it all.

The guy in the fourth store said something like 'idiot' under his breath and just walked away. Anyway I figured they must not carry them in most stores. I might have to order one from a catalogue or get on the Internet and search for one.

So that's where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate a sex drive I would appreciate it. Then all I have to do is figure out how to install it

LADIES WE WILL SURVIVE XXXXX

At first I was afraid, I was petrified!

When you said you had 10 inches, Lord i almost died!

But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,

that i grew strong and knew that I could take you on...

But there you are, another lie,

I was ready for a Big Mac and you brought me a French Fry!

I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream!

Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans!

Go on now-Go, walk out the door,

don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4!

Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't find you out?

Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?

I will survive! I will survive!

As long as I have batteries, my sex life's going to thrive!

I will always have good sex,

with a handful of latex!

I will survive! I will survive, hey hey!

legal stuff

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS:Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

CHILDREN'S VIEWS ON ANGELS

"It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die.. Then you go to heaven, then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes."
--Matthew, 9

"I only know the names of two angels: Hark and Harold."
--Gregory, 5

"Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists know all about it now."
--Olive, 9

"Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else."
--Mitchell, 7

"My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science."
--Henry, 8

"Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from holy cows."
--Scooter , 6

"Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead."
--Daniel, 7

"When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten, and when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado."
--Regan, 5

"Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.
--Sara, 6

"Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter."
--Jared , 8

"All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it."
--Antonia, 9

"Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it."
--Vicki, 8

"What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them."
--Sarah, 7