An American and an Englishman are sharing the same compartment on a
train trip to London from Paris. During their conversation, the American
criticizes the arrogance of the English people. He says to the
Englishmen, “You people have such stiff upper lips that you think your
people are the superior race in the world. You tend to look down on
people not the same as you are. As for me, I’m proud to say that I’m a
quarter Irishman, two fifths French, one sixth American indian a
fifth Jamaican Black and a little German.”

Without batting an eyelash, the Englishman just nods and comments,
“How sporting of your mother.”

maintinance

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

---

(P) Left inside main tire almost
needs replacement


(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

---

(P) Test flight OK, except
autoland very rough


(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

---

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop
fluid


(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal
seepage

---

(P) Something loose in cockpit


(S) Something tightened in cockpit

---

(P) Evidence of leak on right
main landing gear


(S) Evidence removed

---

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud


(S) Volume set to more believable level

---

(P) Dead bugs on windshield


(S) Live bugs on order

---

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold
mode produces a 200 fpm descent


(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

---

(P) IFF inoperative


(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or
Foe)

---

(P) Friction locks cause throttle
levers to stick


(S) That's what they're there for

---

(P) Number three engine missing


(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

---

(P) Aircraft handles funny


(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

---

(P) Target Radar hums


(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Mothers god bless em

just had to share it is so true xxxxxxxxx

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ' Because I said so, ! that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'

Does the sex count!!!!

DOES THE SEX REALLY COUNT?

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list
of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on
your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day it doesn't
count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex it doesn't
count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm it doesn't count.

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share.

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for
this," it doesn't count.

7. An old flame doesn't count.

8. An ex-spouse doesn't count. Refer to this as a "pity f*ck."

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not
sex.

10. Cybersex - no way! This is glorified masturbation.

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex.

12. Kissing is not cheating.

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex,
but only if you do not know their significant other.

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count.

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other,
doesn't count. This should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family
closet."

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it
was fun right?).

17. Phone sex, doesn't count. Refer back to "glorified masturbation".

18. In a car doesn't count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and
has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not
to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1.

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not
achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count.

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been
exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count.

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not
considered to be intimate).

22. An act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count.

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count. This
should be referred to as "being neighborly."

24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with
your significant other doesn't count.

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count. This
should be considered a "fuck friend."

26. Sex does count if a pregnancy results!

microsoft

One of Microsoft's finest tech's was drafted and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.
He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target
area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The
Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He
looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his
finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with
his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled
toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must
be at your end!"

tech help

I had to call Technical Support the other day and had to respond to their question regarding my level of computer competency: Expert ~ intermediate ~ novice? I always respond with 'intermediate', but after reading the following responses, I think they should add one more category - lower than novice!

1. Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: Um it's grey... nearly white.. ah yes its a PC

2. Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..." Customer: No ~ wait a minute..got it . .I hadn't inserted it...it's still on my desk... Sorry....

3. Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left?

4. Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!

5. Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...

6. Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................Thank you.

7. Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

8. Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: I don't know. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: Okay. Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes. Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

9. Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital or small letters?

10, A customer couldn't get on the Internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars.

11. Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

12. Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

13. Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

porn teachings

30 things you learn from porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with
sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy cummers.

11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo
in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl
isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes,the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you
shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to
remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
trousers and find a cock there.
29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand
firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on
his hip.

30. Dorky guys never have to beg