SAFETY WITHIN MY FAMILY

This post will be me waffling and I tend to write as I think it in my head as though I am sat facing you and musing. The problem is I tend to jump around like a mountain goat so will be a lot of editing.
What I will ask if you would like to add anything that you have found useful to keep your children safe
Let the waffle begin....

The first thing I learnt that adults should never have secrets with children and if an adult asks you to keep a secret you tell your mum or dad right away.
As a young teenager my mum sat me down for the "boy talk"  things that I remember almost 50 years later and possibly still relevant today.

Firstly don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to do, and if they can't take no for an answer then chances are they don't respect your feelings but she also warned me about what was then called "leading a boy on" its not fair and can quickly spiral out of control. (which turned out to be true some men you can't flirt with. without it being taken seriously) Which is not victim blaming but you do have to be aware that there are people out there who don't think the same way. We know they shouldn't touch ect or take advantage but they do and you have to be aware of that.

45+ years ago I was told that if an older man took and interest or said anything that made me uneasy I was to tell an adult be it my mum, gran or a female teacher but I must tell someone.

Now my family and changing times I had boys so it was a bit different but I put in a safety network for them as they got older and dad was no longer around, I knew that as they got older they may not want to talk things over with me but there was always someone trusted they could talk too, not necessarily about abuse but if they got depressed, wanting to know if certain feelings were normal anything really just wanted them to know that no matter what one of us had their back and understood.

My lad at 13 started hanging around with a lad of 19 whose g/f was 13-14 and was a difficult situation as I knew if I pushed he would go behind my back so I used good old fashioned manipulation of my son as I know my sons 😄 I asked him when he was 18 what did he see himself doing? of course he said going out with his mates to the pub hopefully having a car, so I then just casually said do you see yourself hanging around street corners with 13/14 year olds? thats all it took within 2 weeks he had gone back to his usual friends sometimes we just need to sow a seed or two and trust them to come to the right decision.

My boys were taught that no is no and maybe is no.. but again different times.

Now I have granddaughters and society is now very different with social media and online making the world a smaller place.  In my day you rarely met a lad who wasn't known to someone you know or your family would know someone in their family so you got to hear about the "wrong ones" now in the age of the internet you don't have that same security blanket of knowing their family and friends or having someone you know vouch for them.

Things that have been instilled is that up to a certain age their phones are accessible by a parent anytime they want, obviously as they get older it changes. They know all about the dangers of sending pictures more so because they have a family friend whose daughter got publicly shamed when the boy dumped her and then shared a picture of her.

The other thing that has been spoken about to them is how to look out for their friends, to speak out if their friend gets a "secret" boyfriend or changes in various ways and to talk it over with mum or stepmum as they both work together on keeping the children safe.

They have spoken at length about things which affect today's young people such as mental health, self harming, and of course physical, mental and sexual abuse. they have created an environment where all these things are talked about and also if they have concerns about a friend how to tell their friend that they are concerned.
They have also been warned about boys/men who don't want the family to know who they are, as that is a red flag sign, as is wanting to isolate you from friends, wants to look in your phone.

Being a nosey parent is not a bad thing if you think something is wrong then start to look around check the phone check their room rather have a child angry at me then a child who needs help

Its how I found out my lad had started messing with drugs a difficult time but all turned out good but boy was he mad at the time, ask him now and he wouldn't hesitate in doing the same if he thought his child was messing with drugs.

But most of all don't let the world be a place of fear, the girls know that the bad ones are the minority there isn't a bogey man waiting every time they step outside and that the majority of boys and men are like their brother, dad, uncles and cousins.

Give your children confidence to know that no matter what they are loved and nothing is that bad to stop that ever changing and together there is nothing they can't face.

I know I haven't  mentioned my grandsons all this includes them they have the same support and also spoken too about all the various things that affect young people growing up

My one belief is that no child should ever be asked to keep a secret from their family except for birthdays ect.

My life experiences regarding sexual assaults

Where do I begin gosh so many incidents both minor and life changing.
As a child would be about 7/8 yr old we had a old foundry that was being demolished and I wasn't allowed to play there but I did with my friends, there were massive big iron boxes and some older kids who were there thought it would be funny to push me inside with a boy who was about 11/12 and he peed over my dress, I can't begin to tell you how humiliated I was, but because I shouldn't have been there I never told anyone yet today over 50 years later I get stressed in confined places and a MRI scan alone with my thoughts really stresses me. 
As a teenager and how it was back then being sexually harassed was the norm, boys grabbing at you, being pinned down having my blouse ripped open to look at my breasts including it happening on the bus but again I blamed myself as I must have done something to make them think it was ok, so now that mindset is in place.
Now to work, I started in quality control for Courtaulds, part of my job was to check that the cotton was being processed without  issues as it was all piecework back then and obviously if poor quality then staff can't earn as much, following one of the operators round he cut himself so I went got first aid box put a plaster on it and continued with my job, he then grabbed my breast I was 17. I walked off the floor and went and told my supervisor and the outcome was the manager called me into his office, basically me putting a plaster on his finger was encouragement and he told me I was a pretty young woman, the man had a family and didn't realise it was wrong the result he kept his job, I got kept out of that room for 9 months again enforcing it was my fault.
Again at work I was getting into the lift with a young lad when one of the older men said to me "watch him he's a tiger" I jokingly replied "seen more fight in a pussycat" yep you know what's next he stopped the lift to show me he was no pussycat fortunately I fought him off but didn't report it as no point.
Over the years I have been dragged up side streets 3 times, I have lost count of the number of times I have been groped while out or working as bar staff. 
Then it happened I was drugged and raped, someone I grew up with my brother's friend saw me while out and I foolishly let him buy me a drink and as I had already had a few I asked for a coke, the rest of the night is like a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces which over 20 years later I still can't remember, what I can remember bites me at times, and again blamed myself, didn't report it as my mum by then was dying of cancer and also the thought of people knowing I couldn't handle it, I will never get over the shame and guilt I feel at letting down those who I encouraged to report theirs yet I didn't myself. For many years after I let myself go, it was almost 5 years before I wore a dress and went back to being blonde and finding my attitude again.
When I look in the mirror I don't see victim or survivor I see Gail who has been lucky in life to have laughed more then I cried.
Thank you for reading.